I don’t really know how to slowly ease my way into this post, so I’m just going to jump in. I’m still fleshing all of this out, so it will wind up being a brain dump that is not at all well thought out. Forgive me.

It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. An understanding of my mom, and my sisters who are moms, and all the other moms I’ve ever bumped into. I remember looking at my mom thinking she was crazy because she poured her life into my sisters and me. Then when she became an empty nester she just found other people to pour her life into. What about pouring her energy into doing what SHE wanted?

And then my sisters – both stay at home moms. They talk of eventually going back to work after their kids are in school, but I could never really understand why they would just want to stay home with their kids and not have their own thing – a career – all for them.

And now I understand. Because pouring all of your energy into someone else, yes, can be draining. But you get so much more out of it than you ever get out of just pouring your energy into yourself. I wake up every day and live my day for Penny. Nearly everything is wrapped around what is best for her, what will grow her, what will challenge her, what will give her a warm, safe, loving home. I’m no longer all that interested in doing things to make me smile… I just want to see her smile.

It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks because I used to think people who lived like this were weird. I would get together with friends for coffee and they would sit and talk about their kids nonstop. I wondered what happened to their depth when kids came along. Where were the deep philosophical and political conversations we used to have? Suddenly I was just sitting listening to them talk about spit-up and poopy diapers. It seemed so weird.

But now I see that when you’ve gotten a taste of living your life for somebody else, you never ever ever want to go back to just living for you.

I thought I’d crave date night. I thought I’d crave girls night. I thought I’d crave time to sit and paint my toenails. But I don’t. I would rather spend a Friday night at home with my family watching Matt tickling Penny and making her giggle. It’s far superior to the latest blockbuster.

I’m sure in time she will become more challenging, and I will need more time alone to regroup. But I’m struck by the realization that I don’t feel like I need another identity – another aspect of life that’s just about me and me alone. I’m Penny’s mom and Matt’s wife and that definition is all I need.

Weird. It’s just weird. I never ever ever thought I’d enjoy it like this.

And I’m realizing that it doesn’t take kids to learn this lesson – they just force it on you. I wish I had learned this lesson when it was just Matt and me. How much more beautiful would those six years of our marriage have been if I had been spending every day pouring myself and my energy into loving and serving him instead of serving myself? It could have been really cool. And I can start doing that today, but it will be a bit more difficult since I have more balls to juggle in the air. Good thing we’ve got retirement one day.

I used to think my mom was kinda crazy pouring herself into us kids, then her own mom, and now her grandkids with very little energy directed to herself. And now I see that she can’t go back because pouring your life into other people is far more fulfilling. And man, do I respect her for that.

I’ve lost my own identity, and I never want it back.

One of my favorite parts of the upcoming holiday season is sending out Christmas cards. My list grows bigger each year since we keep on moving, and I keep on reconnecting with old friends on Facebook. I actually really love picking out cards, sometimes writing up a letter, and stuffing and mailing all of the cards. It’s a tradition my mom always took seriously, and somehow it has stuck.

This year I feel obligated to include a photo for the first time in a long time because we have something gorgeous and brag-worthy to show off. Need I remind you?

From Daily Daguerreotype

So I’m planning on putting together photo cards at Shutterfly. I’ve already convinced Matt that we need to get our Christmas tree as soon as we get home from Thanksgiving in NH so that we can decorate it and pose for a Christmas family photo shoot. Meanwhile I need to determine just which card I want to use.

I’m also going to make my Christmas shopping a bit easier this year by using my cute daughter’s smile to personalize a few gifts. Who wouldn’t be a sucker for Penelope smiling back at them from their cup of coffee?

My fingers are itching for that first cold night in December when I get to snuggle up on the couch in front of the fire with a cup of cocoa and start addressing envelopes. And then the fun of checking the mail those weeks before Christmas to find cards from my friends and family that wind up decking out one of our doors each year. I am jubilant just thinking about it!

* Many thanks to Sarah for tipping me off to Shutterfly’s Holiday Card blog promotion!

Ever have one of those weeks where it all just keeps on coming, and all you can do to survive is dream about vacations you’ll never be able to afford because all of your money from here til the end of time will be going towards your house and hospital bills?

I knew you would understand.

We have roots. The kind that get into your septic pipes, not the kind that make Jimmy Fallon think he’s actually kinda cool. So there goes a few thousand dollars.

And Matt shot his finger with a nail from his nailgun, so we were in the ER last night. He barely winced, which started a whole conversation about what a great EMT he would make. Guy’s made of steel. Meanwhile I was shaking like a leaf.

But before he was maimed he did this:

From Daily Daguerreotype

Which, frankly, is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. I spend a lot of time in my kitchen because cooking (and subsequently eating) is my favorite hobby. So I’ve spent a lot of time bent over this sink gazing into the ugly and dusty window gaps that are now beautifully covered!

When his finger has healed, and he feels up to picking up that nasty wasty nailgun again, he’ll add the top of the window trim that looks something like the top of these doors:

From Daily Daguerreotype

And then we’ll caulk, prime & paint her up, strip the window hardware, repaint the window, and it will be ready for the little curtain I plan on making.

It’s been a helluva weekend, but somehow just typing about these home renovations and our future plans has cheered me up.

That’s sick.

But I’m not sure what I would say.

I don’t know if this is the four month growth spurt or just something that happens when a kid turns four months old and suddenly they’re all “You can’t force me to sleep, Milk Lady!” We are just in a stage where my daughter is getting more complex and harder to read. And I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.

My darling turtle who used to sleep through the night and take a few solid naps during the day despite the fact she was the salty sea captain of the Crappy Napper, has been waking up many many many many times nightly out of hunger. And angst. And playfulness. And now she is taking nearly as long to go down for her naps as they wind up being in length. I am trying to switch things up to make it easier on her, while still keeping some semblance of the routine she’s used to. We’re trying to bump back her bedtime to make her more tired during the day. We’re trying to bond her with her snuggly wuggly lion in hopes that he can calm her down, or at least entertain her in her crib. And sometimes I just give up altogether, throw her in the Ergo and take a fourty-five minute walk so that she’ll sleep all the while considering that a mighty fine nap and a good way to eventually fit into my favorite pair of jeans.

I feel like I have the mental strength to tackle these new challenges, but what is really puzzling me is the lack of energy I suddenly have. It’s taken four months, but my body is finally back to normal – in the sense that I no longer ache along my incision, I have regained feeling in my stomach, and all those ligaments that moved around during pregnancy seem to have gone back to their normal places. I am working out more than ever before, but am not getting all the energy I’m supposed to with that. I think my exhaustion is a combination of saying goodbye to those marvellous pregnancy hormones that make each new mom into a veritable Superman, and the lack of sleep that is finally catching up with me.

Sleep.

And so I’m trying to slow down on the booking of fun things and amp up my time at home with hopes that Penny and I both can get a bit more rest. I’m also trying to just let go and follow her lead during this time of change. It makes sense that she is having trouble sleeping now that she can nearly sit up on her own and wants to constantly be petting the dog or throwing toys on the ground. Life awake has become much more fun. For her and for me.

But how do I survive until the waters calm and we fall back into a new routine? What are your tips, seasoned moms?

Today I turn twenty-eight. I think for a mom’s birthday she should be allowed to put her daughter in her all-time favorite outfit.

From Daily Daguerreotype

Jeans from Target, butterfly shirt from Old Navy, and sweater and hat were handmedowns from her big cousin. Who made those, Big Ma? I love them forever and will never let Penny grow out of them.

All but one of Matt’s appointments cancelled today, so we are having an awesome day together as a family. This seriously rocks.

Too bad Creature made it into the picture.