Today was Penny’s 6 week pediatrician’s appointment. She’s indeed growing like a weed and is now 11 pounds of perfection. Imagine she were a chocolate cake. An 11 pound chocolate cake. That would be insanely delicious. I bet my chocolate wedding cake was 11 pounds.

This was, of course, the first visit with a heap-load of vaccinations. Matt and I had discussed vaccinations and his philosophy was that she needed all of the suggested vaccinations but that I could choose the schedule. So I looked around for a pediatrician who would let me do a delayed vax schedule, and that was my plan.

But I had a change of heart while I was in there today.

I realize that vaccinations are a really heated debate, and I don’t dismiss either side of the issue because I really think parents disagree on this mainly because they want to do what’s right for their kids. So I can understand the philosophy behind both sides.

However… yeah, you knew there was a “however” coming around the bend… Y’all know Matt’s occupation, and you probably know his stance on vaccinations as well. He is a firm believer that there is no link to Autism with vaccinations and that by vaccinating we can prevent a whole host of horrible diseases. And I agreed with him. But there was this tiny little part of me that, as a mother, thought “what if all this research winds up being wrong? What if years down the line they DO find a link? And I’m the mother who gave my kid the XYZ vaccine?” So I wanted Penny to have the delayed schedule so I could watch like a hawk to see if she had any bad symptoms.

One thing Matt had to keep reminding me of while I was pregnant was that the medical decisions I made needed to be based on scientific evidence, not my emotions. He was fine with whatever I decided – a midwife, a natural birth, limited interventions – because I could prove that my midwives had a lower infant mortality rate than the national average, that a natural birth had lower chances of PPD than a section, and that using a doula would decrease my chances of having interventions that could have a wide range of negative side effects. But he never let me get away with statements like “no epidural because maternity anesthesiologists are in with the drug companies and want to kill me!” (Dr. Shane quickly took away all those fears!)

So while I was in the pediatrician’s office debating what to do about the vaccinations, I decided to put Penny on the regular vaccination schedule based on the scientific evidence that no link has been found between vaccinations and Autism. But I also chose to do that as a vote of confidence in my husband, in what he does, and how wonderful I believe he is at it. (Over dinner the other night he said, and I quote, “I actually prefer working with really, really low-functioning kids as opposed to those who are just barely on the Spectrum.” He’s an awesome guy. What can I say?)

I chose to put Penny on the regular vax schedule to not give credence to the Jenny McCarthy’s of the world who are basing their theories on anecdotal evidence. I chose to do it because I live with enough irrational guilt from a miscarriage, and would rather live with the irrational guilt that Penny’s possible future developmental disability came from an unsubstantiated link to vaccinations than to see her in the ICU dying of whooping cough.

I chose to do it because I don’t think my pediatrician has it in with the drug companies. And I think she wants to see Penny healthy. And I don’t think she’s evil. And… gulp… I don’t think doctors are evil.

You know how hard that is for me to say. But when I really, truly think about it… LOGICALLY… that is how I feel.

Ok, it’s out there. All my anti-vax friends, feel free to tear me a new one in the comments section.

I came home from the pediatrician’s office and changed Penny’s clothes. I changed her into this outfit – a little number that Matt picked out at the Carter’s outlet when we found out we were having a girl. Because orange is his favorite color – the color of giraffes. And one thing’s for sure… this little giraffe ain’t gonna get whooping cough!

From Daily Daguerreotype

This week is National Breastfeeding Week which is a celebration of nursing and its health benefits for mother and child. Completely unrelated to NBW, I had two separate conversations about breastfeeding yesterday with two friends who couldn’t be farther apart on the issue. It made me happy that I have such diverse friends who aren’t afraid to discuss hot topics.

Both of these people asked me how breastfeeding with Penny was going, and whether or not I liked it. Frankly, I went into motherhood pretty blase about breastfeeding, and I continue to be blase about it. I choose to breastfeed because A) Penny took to it really easily, B) I like the research behind breastmilk building a stronger immune system, and C) it’s cheaper (probably my most compelling reason, honestly)!

I’m all about people who are breastfeeding advocates, and completely understand why they are. I’m also all about women who choose to formula feed because of the many logical reasons they choose to. For me, it’s all about the cash money.

The more I started to think about it, the more I realized most of my mothering decisions so far have had to do with my thrifty New England spirit. For instance, I’m cloth diapering because I love how it is better for the environment, but I’m also doing it because the average home spends $50-75 a month on disposable diapers. Because of my very generous friends, all 16 of my cloth diapers were given to me, without me spending a dime on diapering. I’ve realized I need to pick up a few more, but with some giftcards that I’ve been given, I think I might only wind up shelling out $20 or so to round out my supply. Pretty incredible when you think that Penny can wear these same diapers until she’s potty trained. And then I can reuse them for future kids. When you add it up, that’s a hefty savings!

(I did have a higher water bill in July, probably from doing a load of diapers every day. Which is all the more reason for me to get more diapers since 14 dirty dipes is only a half load in my washing machine.)

Well if I’m not a hyper breastfeeding advocate, why am I a hyper natural childbirthing advocate? A lot of this, again, comes down to money. We just got the bills from my C-section and hospital stay which added up to a whopping $30,000. Fortunately, because of Matt’s fairly comprehensive employer-sponsored healthcare we only have to pay about 15% of the total bill for my care, Penny’s nursery stay and her EKGs. But $30,000 as opposed to $2,000 for a natural delivery? Why would anyone choose the former if they didn’t have to?

What it all comes down to is that Penny (who is currently wearing some cute, and free! hand-me-downs) won’t be carrying a cell phone in Elementary school not because I have issues with it (although I do), but because I’m too cheap to buy her one. And perhaps all the money that I’ll save by handling her poopy cloth diapers for all those years will make it possible to build that Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired house in the Tennessee countryside that I was sketching out earlier today.

What’s the driving factor behind your parenting decisions? Whatever will keep your kid from life behind bars? Whatever prevents you from being blamed in 10 years of therapy once they’re adults? Or are you just cheap like me?

A post about the third week in the life of a daughter and new mama in honor of the forthcoming Julia Roberts film “Eat, Pray, Love.”

DAUGHTER

Eat

Penelope is eating like a horse. We hit what I believe was her first growth spurt this past Saturday night when she refused to go to bed until midnight and wanted to be fed nearly every hour at the top of the hour. Saturday and Sunday, for her, were a seven course meal at a fine French restaurant – not including the sorbet they give you between courses to cleanse your palate. For me it was a dairy cow’s worst nightmare.

During the day she is still eating about every hour and a half to two hours which gives me a whole new understanding of why new mothers get absolutely nothing accomplished. Sometimes I go three feedings holding my bladder because I just have not gotten a chance to pee yet.

Sleep

Since we came home from the hospital, Penny’s been sleeping in her Pack ‘N Play on Matt’s side of the bed. Our system so far has worked really well. When she would wake up at night, Matt would change her then hand her off to me for a feeding. Then I’d hand her back to be swaddled and put back down. This has worked great since Matt’s had all kinds of paternity leave, but since this is his final week off, we wanted to start a system that would involve him less for when he goes back to work.

Just to put it out there, I’m a big fan of most aspects of attachment parenting. I’m totally down with co-sleeping, and I’m really big into baby wearing, which Penny seems to truly enjoy. If I had it my way, I’d let my girl sleep curled up next to me all night long, but it’s not really practical for us. First of all, we realized right away that we couldn’t co-sleep since Matt is a very heavy sleeper and totally forgot she was there when we tried it during a nap. As for his involvement at night, we needed to start lessening that. Not that every person doesn’t have a very stressful day job and need a good night’s sleep, but Matt especially needs to be well-rested. Imagine spending your day with parents who are melting down in your arms while their children with developmental disabilities throw forks at your face repeatedly for hours. And then imagine doing that on four hours of interrupted sleep.

Last night we decided to give the new system a try and put her in her crib in her bedroom for the first time. She has slept a few naps in there all swaddled up, but this was her first overnight. I was pretty sad about her being in another room, but knew that if we could start this routine early we might have less trouble breaking old habits. We put her down in her crib, turned on the monitor and went to bed in our bedroom. I worried that I wouldn’t wake up for her since she wasn’t in the same room as me, but I slept as lightly as I have since the hospital and heard every grunt and squeak she made all night long. She’s a very noisy sleeper when she’s sleeping heavily, so I have learned to distinguish good noise from bad noise. And she didn’t wake me up with bad noise until SEVEN HOURS LATER. Then she went down for another four hours. Holy mackerel people.

I would be worried that she’s sleeping too much at night and getting too hungry, but this morning she has been eating particularly well and has been awake and alert for nearly four hours. If the rest of the day goes as well, I guess we’ll try it again tonight.

Poop

All in all, Penny’s a great baby. I would almost say low-maintenance, but she’s just as high-maintenance as any newborn. The difference is that she’s a great communicator. She lets us know when she has a dirty diaper or is hungry. Sometimes she’s irritable when she has to burp (she seems to be a bad and delayed burper), but otherwise is a quiet and lovely little girl. Only at night when she’s overtired and needs to go to bed does she fuss endlessly for no reason at all.

She hates having a dirty diaper and can do absolutely nothing, nor be pacified until the diaper is dealt with. While sometimes this can be annoying, like when we’re 15 minutes from home and she cries the whole way because she hates sitting in her dirty diaper, I’m seeing it as an overall positive trait. When we switch her to cloth dipes, she’ll likely be just as aware, if not more of her dirty diapers. And hopefully this will make her easier to potty train in the long run. Don’t you just LOVE my unbridled optimism?

MAMA

Eat

Eating? What? What is that? The woman who loves to eat more than any other pastime has completely forgotten about the joys of food. We have been so blessed to have been brought delicious dinners from people in our church over the past few weeks, none of which I have actually eaten at the intended temperature. When it’s time for me to make a meal I wind up shoving food and the grilling tongs to Matt who is becoming such a master griller he deserves his own Saturday afternoon PBS show.

Meals are not only eaten cold but are always interrupted by at least one feeding and nearly always two dirty diapers. Girl’s got perfect timing.

Sleep

I can’t quite get over this instinctual motherhood sleeping thing. I was such a deep sleeper before. As in regularly sleeping through alarm clocks going off. Sleeping through thunderstorms. That kind of deep sleeper. Now I hear her sounds all night long and just know when she needs something. It’s remarkable.

I feel like I’m getting plenty of sleep since I’ve always been good at napping during the day. But I haven’t quite been able to “sleep while the baby is sleeping” yet since there seems to be so many other things that need to be done. Not really housework, just social expectations that my small sliver of people-pleaser is having a hard time letting go of. I’m hoping we’ll slip into a routine with regular naps thereby allotting myself that sleeping time sooner than later.

Poop

I am pooping quite fine, thankyouverymuch. Ladies, the one upside to having a C-section is not dreading that first awful poop. Silver linings, people, silver linings.

And these are a few of our favorite things…

* I’ve noticed that Penny has just recently started to respond to my voice. If she’s in another room squawking she starts to calm down when I walk in the room and start talking to her. She also loves being held upright against my chest and neck which can often soothe her and put her to sleep. I have a new understanding of mothers – having your kid love being close to you is a huge ego boost.

* Two words: PRE-FOLD DIPES. I want to buy hundreds of these for every new mother I know. My mom gave me a whole bunch which I will be using for inserts when I switch to cloth dipes, but in the meantime they are AMAZING for a whole host of other things. We’ve got a major spitter upper on our hands, so pre-folds are strewn about our house like lit candles on the set of The Bachelorette. Matt curiously refers to them as “Tri-folds.” Which makes me think of three-corner hats. And the New England Patriots. And learning the song in German, “Mein Hut, der hat drei Ecken,
Drei Ecken hat mein Hut.”

* The night-time routine which now includes a solid hour of Mama rocking Penny in her nursery while Dad sits on the floor with Berlin and plays mid-nineties rock songs on his acoustic guitar. Last night we enjoyed Collective Soul and Radiohead, the latter which caused our daughter to squeal in agony. Thom is an acquired taste, my dear.

* This post has been interrupted by two feedings, four dirty diapers, and one very intense burping session where the dog ran for cover.

Introduction

Nothing I ever write will ever be able to accurately capture the fourty-four hours that I spent in the hospital laboring for Penelope. While the day of her birth was only a short week ago, it’s already a blur except for a few moments that are cemented in my brain more vividly than I can explain. I’ll try to do the best in this birth story to explain Penny’s story, and I forewarn you in advance that I will likely get very weepy and very spiritual when I discuss this experience – the pinnacle of my life thus far.

For those who know me well or have followed this blog for some time, you will know that I chose to use midwives because of their hands-off approach to labor and delivery. I very much wanted a natural vaginal delivery with as few interventions as possible. The biggest challenge of my pregnancy was to reconcile myself with the fact that my all-powerful God had a plan that very well might differ from the plan that I had for Penny’s birth. Ultimately, He was in control, and with the strength he equipped me, I was able to face my greatest fears and accept the many interventions that were necessary for Penny’s health and wellbeing.

I will take this moment to say that I still believe a woman’s body is meant to deliver a baby without medical induction and intervention, and that nine times out of ten that is the best thing for mama and baby. I believe that Penny’s birth was the exception to the rule, and never once have I been disappointed in the way things played out because I believe we only chose those interventions for her safety when everything else had been tried. While I wound up having a C-section, I will adamantly state that there are far too many C-sections being performed in America. After experiencing every possible intervention myself, I would encourage women everywhere to try to avoid them unless your child is at risk. It’s neither fun, nor the way your body was meant to deliver a baby. As for me, I am hopeful that next time around I will be given the gift of a natural vaginal delivery, and am thankful for the health practitioners who made it possible for me to hope for a VBAC in the future.

And I’ll say what I have believed all along, just altered a bit now. Friends don’t let friends use OBs. Unless they’re young, quirky Jewish OBs.

Monday, June 28th

9:45 am – We arrived at the Imaging Center for an ultrasound to check Penny’s fluid levels. Before heading out for the test, I noticed my bloody show had arrived, and excitedly called my doula with hopes that I would naturally go into labor that day, twelve days late, and not need to be induced. Unfortunately while Penny looked great in the ultrasound, her fluid levels were low, so we were sent to the midwife’s office to discuss options.

At the office, our midwife informed us that yes, we would need an induction for Penny’s overall well-being. She was very flexible with us about the time of day when we should head to the hospital, but wanted us to go that day as we needed to “get this baby out.” We scheduled the induction for 7:30 that evening.

Matt and I went home to prepare ourselves for the hospital. We spent a few hours finishing our packing, feeding the cat, calling our relatives and bringing the dog to the boarder. We lay down for one last nap where we both had a very necessary breakdown. I was so disappointed with the induction and very scared of the road ahead of us. We spent a good bit of time in prayer, and I called a dear friend to pray with me. Then we tried to sleep – a hard thing to do with such a big event looming in front of you. We threw together one last dinner, scrambled eggs and toast for me – the one thing I had craved throughout my whole pregnancy – and we headed to the hospital.

7:30 pm – We arrived at the hospital and registered in Labor & Delivery. The midwife on duty, Elaine, came out to tell us that they did not have enough beds for us yet. It would be a bit of a wait, and we should grab dinner if we hadn’t eaten yet. As we had already eaten, we stared vacantly at the people walking in and out of the L&D lounge. I don’t know how else to describe the wait other than totally surreal. Like waiting on death row.

8:30 pm – Finally we were brought back to our L&D room to prep for induction. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor so the nurses could watch Penny’s heartrate and get our vitals. I was given an IV, which for me is always an event. It felt like the IV took about a half an hour since they had to stick me twice, what with my bum veins and all. During this time Penny’s heartrate was higher than Midwife Elaine would have liked, and there was concern that Penny might not be able to handle induction.

Tuesday, June 29th

12 am – 50% effaced, 0 dilation

For a few hours we watched and waited to see if Penny’s heartrate would lower to the 140s or 150s. Eventually it did, but only when our doula arrived at the hospital, and I started to calm down and lay on my side instead of my back. Late in the evening Elaine decided to do a Pitocin test to see how Penny would do with the drug. After 30 minutes of handling Pitocin well, I was taken off of it, and they prepped for cervical ripening.

3:30 am – Induction with Cytotec was begun. All I have to say here is Google Cytotec. It’s the drug for cervical ripening that you DON’T want your practitioner to use. It’s also the “cheaper” option, and the only one that is used at my hospital. All said and done, this is the only beef I had with the entire hospital in my week-long stay there, and I intend to write a letter to the hospital administrator begging that they switch to Cervidil for the sake of women and their uteruses everwhere.

7:40 am – 80% effaced, 1 cm dilated. Cervical ripening requires that the mother remain horizontal, so during these hours Matt, Doula Annie, and I were able to rest and try to catch some Z’s. At this point, my cervix was soft enough that it was determined I wouldn’t need another dose of Cytotec and that we would move on with the induction. It was also time for Midwife Elaine to switch shifts, so we said hello to Midwife Linda.

10:30 am – 80% effaced, 1 cm dilated. Before starting a Pitocin drip, Midwife Linda decided we should attempt a Foley bulb which manually dilates the cervix. Linda inserted the Foley bulb, a rather uncomfortable procedure, and while they were adding the sterile water to inflate the bulb, Penny’s heartrate started to drop. She clearly was not a fan of our friend Foley, so Linda set me free to walk around the L&D floor in hopes that contractions would start naturally.

Of course because my body was not ready for this labor, contractions did not start naturally, so we headed back into our room for a second try at the Foley bulb. This time, Penny handled it well, so Matt and I got back up to waddle around the L&D floor, now with the bulb in place and the first sign of contractions. I will say that my nurse, the lovely and gracious Mary, mentioned to me that she had never seen a woman get a Foley bulb without an epidural. I found this preposterous. Let me tell you now, if you ever need a Foley bulb inserted, you can do it without an epidural. It’s really not that bad. IVs are worse. So that’s just an aside…

1:00 pm – 80% effaced, 5 cm dilated. After a few hours of walking with Mr. Foley, I burst into exuberant tears when I heard Midwife Linda tell me that I was 5 centimeters dilated. Now it was time to get my body up to the labor level that the Foley bulb had gotten me to. I was high as a kite and very certain that I would be able to have this baby, and have her as naturally as is possible… with Pitocin that is.

1:30 pm – Pitocin induction started. It took hours for the contractions to get to a level that Midwife Linda felt was strong enough to make progress. Because of the Pitocin, I needed to stay in my L&D room hooked up to a fetal monitor and blood pressure cuff. I shifted positions every half hour and tried a number of things to deal with the pain. I found the pain easiest to manage while upright, although I spent some time on my side to try to get some rest.

6:00 pm – 80% effaced, 6 cm dilated – as in five and a half hours laboring on Pitocin and only once centimeter of progress.

6:30 pm – Midwife Linda breaks my water. I was very nervous about this because I had heard it was a painful experience to have your water broken without an epidural. I honestly can’t remember what it felt like. It was painful, but the contractions were pretty darn bad at the time, and because Penny was posterior I was having intense pain in my back which kinda took away from the pain of having my water broken. It really wasn’t any worse than just getting checked to see how far dilated you are, I guess.

For the next five and a half hours I continued to labor on Pitocin without pain medication. Everyone says these contractions are worse than normal labor contractions, but I obviously have no other experience to compare them to. Doula Annie, Matt, nurse Mary, and the newest midwife, Margaret did tremendous work to help me deal with the pain. They gave me water, jello, cold washcloths and stood around me praying through the contractions. Laboring naturally is everything that I read it would be – hard work. I felt myself get into a zone where I could focus and groan through the pain and envision Penelope in my arms. I also remember finding great relief in repeating over and over again in my head “Put it on Me” and visualizing passing the pain I was feeling off to Christ on the cross. His pain was so much greater than my own, and knowing that I could pass that off to him really took the edge off. I also asked Matt to repeat the lyrics to a song that I love, “Land me safe on Canaan’s side, bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears goodbye.”

At one point there was a glitch in my IV where the Pit came flooding in all at once creating back to back contractions with very little break in between. Suddenly Penny’s heartrate dropped drastically and the room filled with nurses who flipped me on my side, turned off the Pit and wound up giving me a shot into my uterus to instantly stop the contractions. As agonizing as the pain of those back to back contractions was, nothing was as scary as hearing Penny’s heartrate halve. That moment was the first time that I really understood I might need to have a C-section, should the situation arise again, and I braced myself for that out of concern for Penny’s safety.

At one point the contractions were very intense and I wound up vomiting. I remember saying to the people in the room, “Someone please tell me I’m in transition!” After being checked, I heard the devastating news that no, I was still at 6 cm. So it was time to discuss…

Wednesday, June 30th

12:00 am – Epidural. After nearly 10 1/2 hours laboring on Pitocin and only dilating one centimeter, Midwife Margaret recommended that I get an epidural. She thought that it would relax me enough to dilate the rest of the way, and would also give me some time to rest. After discussing it with Matt and Doula Annie, we decided to go ahead with the epidural.

Y’all know how petrified I am of needles, and yet I was absolutely ready for not only the pain to end, but also a chance at progressing farther in labor and the possibility of getting to push soon. One of the hardest parts of labor was waiting the fifteen or so minutes for the anesthesiologists to show up and numb me. I can’t say enough great things about the staff over at Vanderbilt. These guys somehow gently knocked out the feeling in the belly and legs of a woman who would rather die than ever see the needle they used. Matt was a trooper and sat in front of me holding my hands. At one point he had to take off his wedding ring because I was cutting his hands by squeezing them so tightly. I heart you, Matt.

With the epidural and spinal in, I was able to lay on my side for a few hours and sleep through the contractions. Midwife Margaret noticed that my water was not completely broken, so she re-broke my water. We knew that Penny was posterior and so I did the “pretzel” flipping from side to side every few hours. Matt and Doula Annie were able to rest as well, although they were always quick to jump up and help me when I needed some water or someone to move my totally limp legs.

10:30 am – 100% effaced, 10 cm dilated. When I woke up Midwife Lauren, my all-time favorite midwife, was there for her shift. She was my fourth midwife as they take 12 hour shifts. She checked me and saw that I was fully dilated and ready to push. I was so excited to get the pushing underway, to meet my daughter, and for Lauren to be the midwife to deliver her. We pushed for two and a half hours. The highlight was Matt being able to see Penny’s full head of dark hair while I was pushing. The lowest moment was finding out that Penny was unable to turn and had only moved a centimeter down the birth canal in those two and a half hours. My proudest moment, perhaps of the entire labor and delivery was when my doula suggested I push on hands and knees. Lauren didn’t think I could do it as I had no feeling in my legs from the epidural. But I pulled myself up and pushed for a half an hour on hands and knees. When asked how I was able to do it, I remember responding, “I AM NOT HAVING A C-SECTION!” About an hour later, it was time to discuss surgery.

1:00 pm – Midwife Lauren and the Obstetrician on call advised a Cesarean section. I cried. Matt cried. And then we started praying harder than we’ve ever prayed before. I asked to speak with Anesthesiologist Shane who assured me that he could give me a little something to take the edge off, although he was concerned I might forget some important moments of the surgery, such as seeing my daughter for the first time.

1:36 pm – We opted for the C-section. I opted for Shane’s cocktail to take the edge off, despite the warning that I might not remember much of the experience. Matt prepped for surgery. I felt an overwhelming calm come over me – the prayers of my family and friends, the presence of the Almighty who was bidding my anxious fears goodbye.

3:00 pm – We went in to surgery. Midwife Lauren sat next to me while Anesthesiologist Shane hooked me up phat. Lauren put in my ear buds and turned on Ben Harper’s “Live From Mars” (Disc 2) and I wafted into a blurry haze listening to “Waiting On An Angel.” I had waited and labored so long for my angel, and she was right around the corner.

This is what I remember. I remember groaning during the pressure of the initial incision. I remember the feeling as the fiesty Jewish female OB in her thirties tugged forward and backward to dislodge Penny’s head from my pelvic bone. I remember hearing a nurse say “Baby is out.” I remember hearing Penelope cry after they fixed her up. I remember Matt carrying her to my side and asking for my glasses so that I could see her. I remember how beat up her face looked and thinking she was far more beautiful than I had dreamed. I remember thinking how undeserving I was. I remember saying, “Oh my God” over and over and over again. I remember telling everyone in the operating room that they were incredible, and I would kiss them all if I could. I remember Midwife Lauren holding my hand and praying for me while they put my insides back inside of me. I remember when Matt had to leave to be with Penny and asking for my nurse Mary who came to hold my hand.

And then I was wheeled back into the L&D room and saw my beautiful doula. Shortly after my daughter was brought in and placed on my chest and doula Annie helped me nurse her for the very first time. And even though I felt like I had been beaten, raped, and left for dead in an alleyway, I looked at Penelope and all of the pain was totally gone.

Penelope Caitlyn was born at 3:42 in the afternoon. She was so stunned from her difficult journey that she scored a 1 on her one minute Apgar but later a 9 on her five minute Apgar.

She was and is a miracle. Her arrival was proof that my God exists, that He lives, that He dwells with me, that He comes when I call out for him, that He provides strength to the weary, and that He can bid my anxious fears goodbye.

Today is July 7, 2010. A year ago today I lost my first baby. It is only fitting that I celebrate the life of my second baby, my beautiful Penelope Caitlyn who has taught me so much about the grace of God, on this day which to me will always be a reminder of the fragility of life. Her birth has shown me that the best things in life come through the greatest hardships.

I’m a week overdue with Penny today, and actually couldn’t be happier. She passed a non-stress test with flying colors this morning allowing us twenty minutes of listening to her darling heartbeat on the monitor and watching it rise and fall correctly as she flipped and flopped. Apparently I was also experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions every 12 minutes, but could NOT have told you that. I think I’d have to have a million babies before I could truly recognize a BH contraction.

The midwife sent me home with the edict to spend the weekend doing nothing but the thing that got me into this mess to begin with. Matt had an evil glint in his eye. Boy is embracing midwifery more and more each visit.

41 weeks is no more uncomfortable than 40 weeks or 39, or 38. Would I love to be holding my baby girl this very moment? Absolutely. But I continue to be tickled pink that I have a team of care providers who are really in my court – ones who feel induction at this stage is unnecessary unless Penny was not responding well to the tests. I have until Monday before I go in for more tests, and should we pass those I’ll have until 42 weeks before they will plan induction.

A lot of people have asked me why I don’t just go ahead and get induced anyway. Aren’t I uncomfortable? Wouldn’t I rather just get the inconvenient waiting over with? I so appreciate that they understand how non fun it is being this pregnant for this long, but I truly believe that my babe will come when God wants her to come. Getting her out for my own comfort seems a bit… selfish, no? I want her arrival into the world to be the God-ordained, natural process that it is supposed to be.

Plus if I do this laboring according to my brilliant plan, I can come out the other end without once being touched with a needle.

So a big thank you to all of our dear friends and family who are inundating us with love, support and encouragement. As Tom Petty so correctly put it, “the waiting is the hardest part.” But I am having so much fun spending these last few weeks with Matt, and am really happy that my care providers are giving me the (very normal and healthy for a first-time mom) extra time for Penelope to make her way into the world.

Scuse me… I just got a rascally wink. Duty calls.

Because I’m putting off cleaning the toilet, but also feeling guilty for all of the Robert Pattinson interviews I’ve just watched online, I’m going to fill you in on a few books that I’ve read in the past few weeks. You also might be waiting for a little squirt to arrive on your doorstep courtesy of The Great Stork of Yore, so these books might help to keep you occupied.

Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) by Lenore Skenazy – I don’t really foresee reading a ton of parenting books over the next few years, which you might think is completely arrogant and crazy. But while I don’t have a clue what to do with your child sitting over there, I am fairly confident that raising my own kids is going to come pretty naturally. I have a strong instinct that I intend to listen to, and I’m married to someone who is pretty well-educated about childhood development. I also have been really blessed with having parents and inlaws that did a pretty darned good job of raising their kids, and I figure if I try to do most things the way they did I can’t screw it up too badly.

With all of that in mind, I was really interested in reading Free-Range Kids because I’ve read Lenore’s blog, and much of her emphasis is on old-school parenting. IE: Did our parents raise us to be serial killers? No. So what’s so very wrong with how we were parented? She’s against the helicopter parenting that is so prevalent these days, and really the takeaway from the book is to just let your kids get outside and run around a little more.

I was encouraged by her logical approach to TRUE crime statistics, and think I’ll probably try to raise Penny Cate to be a “free-range kid” as much as I can. Overall, I give the book a B+.

Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer – You knew it was coming. My dear friend Kiki gave me the first book when she was down visiting over Memorial Day weekend, and as soon as I started I couldn’t put it down. Then I went to Borders and picked up the next one, read it in a day, and headed to Kroger that evening to pick up Eclipse. I now understand the phenomenon.

People like these books for different reasons, some because they are into vampires and werewolves, others because they are hormonal teenagers who enjoy reading about other hormonal teenagers kissing. And then there are those of us who can totally relate to falling in love with someone who is completely out of their league, and it just doesn’t make sense that that person is returning the affection. I’ve decided that’s why I dig these books so much. They remind me of the year that I dated Matt before we got married. The year that he was THE Matt Hofmann in my mind. The year before he started burping at the dinner table and leaving his dirty socks on the bedroom floor.

The books themselves really don’t deserve a rating of anything more than a C+, which is fine by me because in college I was more than happy with the C’s I earned – too busy socializing to attend class or study. If you are a person who enjoyed college for the same reasons and can appreciate things that are fun for the sake of being fun, you will enjoy the Twilight books. You’d probably also enjoy them if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Also, Robert Pattinson is hot.

The Art of Dying: Living Fully into the Life to Come by Rob Moll - Yes. Really. I’m following Twilight with my brother in law’s new release. Because they couldn’t be more different.

I like this book, and not just because my brother in law slaved over it for the past few years. I just really like anyone who has the guts to talk about things that people, for the most part, are loathe to discuss. And death is one of those things.

At age 27, I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about my own death, although I have experienced plenty of loss in my lifetime. This book helped me process through some of that loss and also to consider how to daily live with my mortality in mind. I don’t really know what else to say other than that you should read it yourself. I give the book a B+, mainly because it’s Rob’s first book and he’s gotta have room to go up, right?

We Are Doomed: Reclaiming Conservative Pessimism by John Derbyshire - I’m only halfway through this book, but I can’t put it down. John Derbyshire cracks me the heck up. Matt asked my mom for this book for Christmas, and after reading it told me that I HAD to read it next. So I am. And I just bought it for my dad for Father’s Day because it’s just that funny. Plus Derbyshire quotes from Albion’s Seed which my dad loves.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I’m, for all intents and purposes, a Libertarian. But my biggest beef with Libertarian politics is the same beef I have with Liberal politics (and actually the current wave of Conservatism too!) and that is an unrealistic Utopian optimism. That mankind is just inherently good enough to improve life for others, or to live and let live. Nice in theory, but fails in practice.

John Derbyshire takes a very practical, yet humorous pessimistic stance and explains why he feels that’s the best approach, and furthermore why the Right should head back to its pessimistic roots. So much of what he says flips my brain upside down, and with his addition of humor the book is quite enjoyable to read. I very much would appreciate if one of my more open-minded liberal friends would read this book so that I could have someone on the other side of the table to bounce my thoughts off of. Anyone? Anyone? I give Derbyshire a solid A on this one.

I don’t have anything else lined up after We Are Doomed, other than to read the fourth Twilight book which I refuse to buy since it’s only out on hardcover. But frankly I’m hoping Penelope arrives before I get to that point bringing my reading to a screeching halt. Or at least exchanging adult books for the much more preferable Dr. Seuss.