I always hesitate writing blog posts on mothering because I have a large audience of mothers, most of whom are mothers of many kids all grown up and 90 years old after attending Ivy League schools and giving back to society in great ways. So my twenty-eight year old foray into motherhood with a teeny tiny five-month old turtle must seem awfully ridiculous to them.

But I love the supportive community of motherhood so much, that I very much want to share what I’m thinking or learning through the process. So when I hesitate to write these blog posts I push through it imagining that those same idyllic mothers do not take recycling seriously. Idyllic non-recycling mothers, I JUDGE YOU. SEPARATE YOUR PAPERS AND PLASTICS!

I also hesitate to write openly about my spirituality because I have a vast audience of Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Buddhists and Atheists. Perhaps there is a Muslim out there in the crowd!? Wouldn’t that be wonderful! Not only do I want to be very respectful of where YOU are coming from, I also have a personal rule of drawing certain lines. Despite the fact that I might seem to over-share in certain ways, my spirituality is the core of who I really am, and I tend to only share that with a select few people. Typically offline. In fact, most of those people don’t even read my blog. They don’t know what blogs are. By not sharing my spiritual beliefs online, I get to preserve that very beautiful and intimate part of my life and share it only with the realest and truest of my friends.

But I’m tossing all of that aside for this post because I haven’t slept in days. And yesterday I had Taco Bell for lunch even though I am on a diet. Rules!? What?! I’ve thrown them all out with yesterday’s bathwater in which Penelope peed.

We had a marvelous Thanksgiving. For five days straight I ate somebody else’s food, dirtied somebody else’s house, and took long showers while somebody else played with my kid. It was extraordinarily relaxing.

And then we came home.

At first I thought Penelope’s strange and fussy behavior was because of our red-eye flights and lack of sleep. Then I thought it was because she missed all the action and attention (“Grandparent Deprivation Syndrome” as my mother refers to it). And then I thought it was because of the strange balance of solids and formula and breastmilk that I’m trying to feed her in order to get her enough calories to sleep at night. And then yesterday it dawned on me that she hadn’t pooped since Sunday.

Come to find out, rice cereal and bananas and formula, all things that she had been eating over the past few days, lead to constipation. And every mother out there will understand what I mean when I say that I melted down with guilt. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I SHOULD HAVE GOOGLED THIS!

I read that pears would help with the constipation, and providentially I had picked up organic pears while at the grocery store on Monday that were just now perfectly ripe. (Yes, I’m only giving her organic fruits and veggies right now because it’s the one thing in a million that I can actually control… a little bit.) In the past 20 hours or so she has devoured an entire pear and loved every bite of it. And just a few hours ago finally pooped, had some milk, and is napping soundly.

All of this to say I was melting down yesterday with exhaustion and frustration and the realization that motherhood is SO not for perfectionists. And even though I am only one half of a percentage point perfectionistic, that one half was screaming very, very loudly. My house is a mess. Literally, there are leaves and pine needles and mud all over my floors from the Christmas tree and the dog. And if there is one thing I am anal about it’s my floors. My kid was crying constantly even when I danced around singing Christmas carols in my best Burl Ives voice. I could do nothing right.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I hadn’t once sat down to pray about my frustration. And so I did. And I got back to square one.

I think everyone has a square one – the one thing that drives all of their parenting. The one thing they hope to accomplish with their kid. Perhaps they want Judy to become president, or to marry a nice guy, or to not get knocked up in high school. Whatever it is, their battles and the way they choose to fight them comes back to square one.

I decided my square one a few days after Penny was born and I was riding high on the spiritual and hormonal journey of childbirth. I decided that the ONLY thing I wanted for Penelope was that she intimately know God, and that her life would reflect Him. I realized I couldn’t control if she was diagnosed with something, or became a convict, or God forbid was taken from me. And the only thing I wish to do is to create an environment in which she can observe a life that is driven by knowing God.

So yesterday when I sat down and got back to square one I realized my floors were ridiculous. And my Googling was ridiculous. And my attempts at making all the right decisions were ridiculous. And I just prayed til I was blue in the face that God would please help my baby poop. That He would take away her discomfort. That the pears would work.

Another rough night with very little sleep, another rough morning with a fussy baby and a face full of pears. And then one heck of a poopy diaper.

This post is ridiculously long. I’ll wrap it up by saying, why, oh why, does it take me so long to get back to square one? Why do I spend so much effort stressing and researching and trying to make the best parenting decisions all on my own when the answer is right in front of me? The answer being that the only strength or wisdom I could ever have with which to mother my child comes directly from my Creator… when I ask for it. That the only way I can hope to show her a life that is driven by intimately knowing Him is to let my faith be proven despite the circumstances.

I am so humbled today. Ironic as it’s the beginning of the Advent season, and I have been thinking a lot of how blessed Mary must have felt to be the mother of Jesus. How blessed I am to be Penelope’s mother. How blessed I am to receive grace from God. And how blessed I will be if she knows Him intimately.

I don’t really know how to slowly ease my way into this post, so I’m just going to jump in. I’m still fleshing all of this out, so it will wind up being a brain dump that is not at all well thought out. Forgive me.

It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. An understanding of my mom, and my sisters who are moms, and all the other moms I’ve ever bumped into. I remember looking at my mom thinking she was crazy because she poured her life into my sisters and me. Then when she became an empty nester she just found other people to pour her life into. What about pouring her energy into doing what SHE wanted?

And then my sisters – both stay at home moms. They talk of eventually going back to work after their kids are in school, but I could never really understand why they would just want to stay home with their kids and not have their own thing – a career – all for them.

And now I understand. Because pouring all of your energy into someone else, yes, can be draining. But you get so much more out of it than you ever get out of just pouring your energy into yourself. I wake up every day and live my day for Penny. Nearly everything is wrapped around what is best for her, what will grow her, what will challenge her, what will give her a warm, safe, loving home. I’m no longer all that interested in doing things to make me smile… I just want to see her smile.

It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks because I used to think people who lived like this were weird. I would get together with friends for coffee and they would sit and talk about their kids nonstop. I wondered what happened to their depth when kids came along. Where were the deep philosophical and political conversations we used to have? Suddenly I was just sitting listening to them talk about spit-up and poopy diapers. It seemed so weird.

But now I see that when you’ve gotten a taste of living your life for somebody else, you never ever ever want to go back to just living for you.

I thought I’d crave date night. I thought I’d crave girls night. I thought I’d crave time to sit and paint my toenails. But I don’t. I would rather spend a Friday night at home with my family watching Matt tickling Penny and making her giggle. It’s far superior to the latest blockbuster.

I’m sure in time she will become more challenging, and I will need more time alone to regroup. But I’m struck by the realization that I don’t feel like I need another identity – another aspect of life that’s just about me and me alone. I’m Penny’s mom and Matt’s wife and that definition is all I need.

Weird. It’s just weird. I never ever ever thought I’d enjoy it like this.

And I’m realizing that it doesn’t take kids to learn this lesson – they just force it on you. I wish I had learned this lesson when it was just Matt and me. How much more beautiful would those six years of our marriage have been if I had been spending every day pouring myself and my energy into loving and serving him instead of serving myself? It could have been really cool. And I can start doing that today, but it will be a bit more difficult since I have more balls to juggle in the air. Good thing we’ve got retirement one day.

I used to think my mom was kinda crazy pouring herself into us kids, then her own mom, and now her grandkids with very little energy directed to herself. And now I see that she can’t go back because pouring your life into other people is far more fulfilling. And man, do I respect her for that.

I’ve lost my own identity, and I never want it back.

Today is election day which means there is lots of poo-slingin going on. In lieu of writing a political diatribe, I’m going to instead update you on our experience with cloth diapers.

Penny has been in her BumGenius 3.0s for about three months now, seeing as we started her at three weeks of age. And I can’t say enough great things about them. The biggest misconceptions about cloth diapers are that 1) they will stink to high heaven along with lots of poo handlin’ and 2) All! That! Laundry! I’m here to set those misconceptions straight.

If there’s anything I’m thoroughly impressed with in the cloth diapering realm, it’s just how clean these diapers get in the wash. I am washing them according to the manufacturer’s recommendations using a front-loading washing machine, Charlie’s Soap, and once-a-month bleach treatment. About twice a month, I opt to dry my inserts outside in the sun to bleach out any discoloration that has started to set in. The rest of the time, they go in the dryer. After three months of use, my diapers still look brand new.

There is seriously no smell on the diapers after washing them. None. And then during a diaper change, I can avoid getting poo on my hands just as easily if not more than when using disposables. In fact, Matt loves cloth diapers so much that he finds changing disposable diapers to be really gross. I imagine this is because of how absorbent cloth diapers are. Also a kid in a dirty disposable stinks from a mile away, whereas it’s often hard to tell if Penny has soiled her cloth diaper because of odor and moisture absorbency.

As for the laundry aspect, I admit that I might be biased about this one since I love doing laundry, love my laundry appliances, and love my laundry room. But I really do not find an extra load of laundry every other day to be a big chore. Especially when you get as much of a kick out of cloth diapers as I do. Stuffing and folding Penny’s diapers is fun, nay even therapeutic, after a long day. I can imagine that doing the diaper wash for more than one kid would be disheartening, although if I’m honest with you, I think changing the diapers of more than one kid in and of itself would be disheartening. I do not believe I am called to that particular challenge, Lord willing.

I have become such a lover of cloth diapers that I recently switched over to cloth wipes. It’s really a smarter choice when you’re cloth diapering so that you don’t constantly have to be throwing away half of your dirty items while storing the other half. I wash my wipes in with my diapers and mix up my own solution of baby wash and water to moisten the wipes. I hate the word “moisten.” It takes me about 2 minutes every other day, I can fold them to pop up automatically in my hand-me-down dispenser, and Penny’s butt isn’t slarved with all sorts of unrecognizable chemicals – just baby wash and water.

Which brings me to the best part of cloth diapering… her butt. Seriously, her butt is in mint condition. (My mother-in-law even noticed which made me awfully proud!) She gets the occasional rash because I no longer change her diaper at night (and she can wear a cloth diaper all night without any leaking! That’s the power of BG!) which easily clears up without ointment from spending a day in clean cloth dipes. On occasion we will use Grandma El’s butt cream to clear up rashes even faster, and it doesn’t damage your dipes like most other butt creams do.

I thought I would switch Penny to disposables when we are out on errands, but thanks to marvellous wetbags and very compact BumGenius Flips, I only keep cloth dipes in my diaper bag now. Penny’s babysitter is even willing to do cloth diapers, so I won’t need to stock up on disposables before going out on date night.

If you’re not a believer yet, perhaps this will seal the deal. In the past four months I have spent a total of $50 on diapering items. That includes the disposables she was in up through week 3, one package of disposables when we were traveling in September, and disposable wipes up through last week when I switched to cloth wipes.

Which means, if all goes as planned, I won’t spend another dime on diapers until I pick up some disposables for our cruise in February.

So if you are considering cloth diapers, let me assure you that these are NOT your mama’s diapers anymore!

After a year, much fruitless shopping, purchasing fabric that wouldn’t work, and living with nothing on this window, I have finally put up curtains in our living room. I knew what I wanted for fabric, but just couldn’t seem to find it anywhere. But then Crate and Barrel pulled through with their Marimekko bed linens, and with a giftcard I purchased a king sized duvet cover and turned it into lined floor-length drapes. Total cost: $20 in tax & shipping. Another ten bucks for a curtain rod.

Yesterday we put up the curtains, and I quickly moved on to my next project which was to paint the doors on our console white. We picked up this console which I loved for the shape, but the panel doors had a funky woodgrain pattern that I didn’t like, so I am painting them white for a two-toned look. You’ll see in the picture below that they look a bit greyish right now. That’s because the only primer we had in the house was oil-based which I did NOT want to use, so the first coat of “primer” is actually a coat of gray paint for our dining room & living room using Behr’s paint & primer all in one. Tonight I’ll coat this layer of light gray paint with a crisp white layer (Behr’s “Polar Bear” in flat), and we should be ready to go.

Can I also take a minute to say that Matt splurged on some Purdy paintbrushes and OHMYWORD they are to die for. I am never going back. In fact, I think I’ll go around the house and touch up all my sloppy painting with my new Purdy paintbrush and its crisp edge. You know, when all of our other projects are done.

From Daily Daguerreotype

Do you like how I didn’t even try to clean up the surface of the console before posting a picture? Mismatched photo frames, library books, and a bloomless orchid. That’s how we roll.

I have a big beautiful antique mirror from my Grammie to hang over our piano on the other side of the room. My debate now is whether or not to repaint the chipped frame which is currently painted gold. I’m wondering if I should keep it gold or go with some bright yellow to modernize it a bit and balance out the yellow curtains. I’ll post a picture eventually and get your vote.

Speaking of votes… don’t forget to vote tomorrow.

Last week I got an Ergo in the mail as an early birthday present from my mom. This brings my baby wearing gear up to two ring slings, a Bjorn and and Ergo with glorious intentions of making myself a mei tai. I love having so many options because there really are times when one works better than the other, and I can’t help but love them all.

My oldest sister introduced me to babywearing as she also introduced me to the world of midwifery, doulas, and cloth diapering. I give her all the credit in the world for Penny’s good-lookin, rash-free bum, and for her happiness at being worn regularly (you already know that I adore midwives & doulas). I jumped into babywearing thinking it would be very convenient to have my hands free during the many tasks I take on in the course of a day. But I have come out on the other side seeing just how happy Penny is while being worn.

I read somewhere that babies who are worn spend many hours of the day in “contented calm,” and I really believe that’s true. As long as I have her positioned comfortably in whatever carrier I’m currently wearing, she is happy to watch me load and unload the dishwasher, shop at the grocery store, and change the sheets. She regularly naps for long periods while being worn when I take Berlin out for a walk. And my fear that she would never want to be put down just hasn’t come true. She happily plays in her exersaucer for up to a half an hour at a pop.

One thing that I’ve found interesting is just because a kid likes being worn doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be held all the time. They can definitely tell a difference. Penny is at a stage where she doesn’t want to be passed from person to person all the time – she wants to flop on her back or belly and squirm a bit instead of being restricted. But she almost always enjoys being worn. So when I’m craving some snuggle time, I often get better results by wearing her than by holding her in my arms.

Yesterday we took a nice long hike in the woods, and Matt wore Penny in the Ergo while I walked Berlin on the leash. Or rather, Berlin walked me. After 2 hours of walking approximately five miles, Matt had absolutely no soreness from wearing Pen – a testament to just how comfortable that Ergo really is.

The foliage was stunning.

From Daily Daguerreotype

And our nugget napped for the first hour.

From Daily Daguerreotype

While being “contented calm” the rest of the time.

From Daily Daguerreotype

The whole hike we couldn’t stop talking about how much fun it will be to wear her all around when we go on our family cruise in February!

So babywearers… what are your favorite carriers?

I do a lot of reading to Penny. Sure, I want her to be all smahht and whatnot, but it’s mostly because when you spend 12 hours a day with a four month old, you gots to come up with things to fill in the time.

We were graciously gifted with tons of books from friends and family, so we have a lot to choose from. But Pen and I have been taking trips to the library that I think will become a weekly affair to bulk up the stash. It’s also a great excuse to hang out with the ever-lovely and ever-flamboyant “Mr. Brian” who does children’s story hour, and whom we bumped into at the grocery store the other day. I love my neighborhood.

Here are my favorite kids books so far, in no particular order.

The Hound From The Pound – Auntie Gina and Uncle Adam gave Penny this book and OHMYWORD do I love it!?! Great story, great writing, lovely illustrations. Perfect for the teeny tiny turtle in your life who is growing up with lots of puppy love.

Papa, Do You Love Me? – Auntie Clarissa and Uncle Rob gave Penny this book along with its counterpart, Mama, Do You Love Me? It’s really hard to say which of the two I prefer, although I think I love the Papa version a teeny bit more because of the beautiful African animals illustrated. Both books are filled with interesting cultural references (African and Inuit) and absolutely stunning images. We have one in softcover and the other is a board book, which I adore since Penny will be able to enjoy the sweet stories both gnawing on the cardboard pages and learning to read.

Snuggle Puppy – Aunt Beth and Uncle Brent gave Penny this book with a whole slew of other Boynton board books. They are all pretty comical and enjoyable, but Snuggle Puppy is probably my favorite as it’s set as a song. Matt and I actually came up with pretty similar tunes separately, which was fun to discover. And now we go around singing Snuggle Puppy to Tiny Turtle regularly. It really gets stuck in your head.

Hush! – Matt found this book at a church book sale and bought it for (I think) a dollar. Best dollar spent EVER. Gorgeous illustrations and some really fun animal sounds you get to make. Yes, I’m a sucker for books with animal sounds.

I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew – Penelope and I picked this up at the library, and were quite interested as we had never heard of this Seuss book. It’s now one of my favorites, although not at all the right age for my daughter quite yet. Like a classic Ben Stiller movie, things get dramatically worse as the story progresses until finally the narrator realizes that the grass isn’t always greener and contentment in one’s current place is important. And of course wonderful, imaginative illustrations and language.

I’m sure there will be another roundup soon. What are your favorite kids books?