This is part uno in my new series on The Ugly Politics of Parenting. Won’t this be a fun theme!?

Yesterday I sat down to type out the first draft of my birth plan, the culmination of lots of weeks worth of reading, researching, and talking to L/D nurses, midwives and doulas. A lot of my research wound up really turning me around positively on a number of issues. For instance, Matt and I think that next time around we’re going to attempt to have a home water birth if it’s not cost prohibitive (and if this first experience doesn’t change our minds); a type of labor and delivery I used to think was super crunchy crazy and quite possibly dangerous.

But just as I did more reading and learned more about how this natural process has always worked and how we have augmented it over the years, I became absolutely disgusted by parents. Yes, you heard me correctly. I had been forewarned, and had often seen with my own eyes that parents are the most judgmental self-destructive species alive. Mothers are made to feel inferior if they are unable to breastfeed. Women who experience drug-free births get off on thinking they’re Superwomen. Midwives are painted as tribal African medicine-men and OBs as heartless 9-5ers whose own nurses are frightened of them. And then there’s attachment parenting, and Ferbering, and stay at home moms versus working moms, and parents that wind up eating other parents alive at Chuck E Cheese playdates.

I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want that to be my identity. I don’t want to feel pressured to live up to a certain identity or label. I just want to do my research, make my decision, and have the freedom to change my mind. And I will change my mind. I haven’t even had the kid yet, and I’ve already changed my mind on a lot of things. And if that alienates me, then so be it. I’ll still have my best friend by my side who last night told me that he continues to be amazed at my maternal intuition about these things – quite possibly the greatest compliment he could ever give me.

So my plan has been written, and it’s a plan that I hope can be followed, but will not be devastated if it cannot. It’s based partially on my desire to allow my body the space to do what it was created to naturally do and feel the natural rush that goes along with that, and partially because I am more afraid of needles and surgery being inflicted upon me by people with multiple medical degrees and years of experience than I am of agonizing internal pain being inflicted upon me by wee little Penelope.

And I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I can be the tie that finally binds the two childbirthing philosophies together. Because the woman who will be saying “no” to interventions during labor as a way to experience the natural process will also say “HELL YEAH!” to general anesthesia in the event that she needs major abdominal surgery.

Call it hypocrisy, I choose to call it “reaching across the aisle.”

And with that I leave you this lovely video. Yes, I’m afraid our child will grow up with the entire Monty Python catalog if Matt has anything to do with it.

It’s been an awful day and it’s only 1:20. So I’m going to go all ostrich on you, and point you over to a new blog that I’m a huge fan of.

Sara, an old co-worker of mine, has started a fabulous new blog called More Than Merlot. She used to be a sommelier in Vegas, and let me tell you, she knows her stuff. Best of all, she recommends great wines that won’t dip into your failing 401k.

So check her out and enjoy learning about great wines!

My dear parents came out this past weekend to visit us… aka: to be put to work on the house. I was psyched to have my mom teach me how to wallpaper, as she’s kind of the expert on that. Think loud floral wallpaper popular in the 90s – yeah, she rocked that hard. Matt was also excited to have someone just as perfectionistic and detail oriented as himself, my dad, to help him measure and level the cabinets over and over again until they were just right.

Well, they were mostly right. We’re bumping into a few more errors thanks to IKEA, so we will wait a bit longer than we had hoped to finish up the cabinets. But we were very pleased with all that got accomplished this weekend. Enough jabbering, here are some photos of the work we accomplished this weekend, the guys hanging cabinets, and the girls hanging wallpaper. Also, HOW CUTE is the yellow bird wallpaper? Thanks, Caitlin, for the tip-off!

Also, a HUGE THANK YOU to my parents for all their help this weekend. Eight hands made lighter work, for sure.

Installing Cabinets:

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

Hanging Wallpaper:

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

From Daily Daguerreotype

This room off the kitchen used to house more kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. We’re going to turn it into the laundry room. We started by laying liner paper which was a PAIN IN THE BUTT. But we were papering directly on plywood, so felt it would make a smooth surface. The next day we started papering the birds, after realizing we wouldn’t have enough to go around the whole room. So wainscoting will go 2/3 of the way up the wall, and will be painted gray with a white chair rail. I’ll also be adding wainscoting to the ceiling and painting it white. The area on the wall that we wallpapered around will have the hanging cabinets that the previous owners had up. I’m just going to paint them white. Then underneath the cabinets will be the washer and dryer. I think it will be nifty when it’s done, though it may take a while. But that’s fine, cause Matt needs time to grow to love the birdcage wallpaper!

We also got the chance to assemble our new table and chairs for the breakfast nook. We only got two chairs, because the table will slide into a corner where Matt is going to build us a built-in bench for more seating and under-seat storage.

From Daily Daguerreotype

And that pretty much gets you up to date.

You might have heard me loping around these parts bragging about the $12 lawn mower that I picked up for Matt at the dump. Well here’s the whole truth.

There’s a man who picks through stuff at the dump, and if he thinks it’s in working condition, he pulls it out and tries to sell it to people who are dropping junk off. Our conversation went a little bit like this.

“Sir, I need a lawnmower. What do you have for me?”

“I’ve got a few good ones. This one is the best. All it needs is a new spark plug and some gas, and it should be good.”

He then proceeded to start it. The engine refused to turn over.

“Ok, well how much do you want for it?”

“Twenty five dollars.”

“Well, I only have $12 on me. Anything for sale for $12?”

He then sauntered around a bit debating what he’d give up for such a low price. I could see the argument inside his mind. Finally, he walked back to the “best” lawnmower.

“Want me to put this in your car?”

“That would be great, sir. I appreciate it.”

So I drove away from the dump feeling MIGHTY good about my find. After all, my father-in-law is notorious for trash picking lawnmowers and getting them back into working condition with a little bit of brains and elbow grease. I was going to be the next Pops!

I headed to Home Depot where Keith helped me find the right spark plug for the model. Then I hopped in the car to fill my emergency gas tank. Called my dad on the drive to find out what kind of gas to get, and I could hear pride in his voice. “My little girl’s gonna get a lawn mower working and mow the lawn!”

It was too late now. I could not let my two dad’s down!

So I headed home with my mower, gas and spark plug and set off to do the miraculous. My first issue was a rusted old spark plug that I wasn’t strong enough to remove. Then I couldn’t figure out how to pour the gas out of my emergency gas tank. Very frustrated, I left the project for Matt.

Now, I need to stop for a moment and explain to you why it was such an urgent need for me to fix up this lawn mower… and not just to gain some parental approval. Our lawn had not been mowed since about a week before we closed on the house. We’re goin’ on a month here, with the last week being a complete rain fest. The grass in our football-field sized backyard was LITERALLY a foot tall in most places.

I’m a new homeowner and all, and granted we are in the process of renovating the kitchen. IE: there are bigger fish to fry, which was Matt’s argument all along. But I couldn’t do this to my neighbors! My dear sweet neighbors who have a male dog that is in love with Berlin. And the other neighbors who let us borrow their minivan to haul drywall home from the store. I can’t walk around having a foot of grass in my backyard with these sweet neighbors!!!!

This is turning into a novella. Let me wrap things up.

For days, I was pushing Matt to please figure out how to fix the lawnmower! So one day, during a break from drywalling, he squatted down by the lawnmower and replaced the spark plug. Then poured the gas into the tank effortlessly. And then he tried to start her up. Wouldn’t budge.

“Honey, Keith at Home Depot said that maybe we need a new air filter. Should I go get an air filter?”

“Babe, I really think this mower is going to take a little bit more work. And I really think we should finish the drywall.”

“Ok, but it wouldn’t take me long to get the air filter. We could at least try it.”

“Babe, let’s stay on task.”

Cut to yesterday when I went over to the house to put a second coat of paint on the master bedroom. When I opened the front door I was overwhelmed by the smell of gasoline. This couldn’t just be paint fumes, I thought. There’s gas leaking somewhere! I ran into the basement where we were storing the behemoth, and sure enough… two HUGE pools of gas underneath the mower. Right about now is where I flipped out. Because there was GAS! IN THE BASEMENT! And I could touch off an enormouse house fire if I so much as MOVED incorrectly! Should I turn off all the breakers? But could they potentially spark if I did that? And the spark could set off a house fire!? OMG! OMG!

And I proceeded to run around the football-field sized yard with foot long grass waving my arms in the air and screaming like a lunatic. Or I just sat on the basement steps for a moment to collect my thoughts. One or the other – you choose!

I opened the double doors in the basement, pushed out the mower to drip its gas in the backyard and add to the pleasantness out there. And I tried my darndest to air out the basement. Gas will evaporate eventually, right? And then it’s not dangerous? I’d make an awful terrorist.

Matt came by the house a few hours later in between his appointments, and I vehemently insisted he take that trash heap of a mower back to the dump, and get it out of our lives forever! He took a look underneath it, and sure enough… there was a massive hole. Like HALF OF THE ENGINE missing. Maybe for the full $25, I could have gotten the whole engine?

Back to the dump we went, where Matt explained the situation to the guy who sold it to me, and gave his steely judicious eye. Matt can be so MORAL sometimes, and can very calmly explain what you did wrong, and make you feel like Satan Incarnate. Usually he’s only doing it to me, but in this case I was glad he pulled out all the stops for the lawnmower salesman. Even though the whole time I was writhing in my seat and couldn’t look at them.

Then it was off to Home Depot to visit KEITH! Who hooked us up with a new self-propelled Toro that cuts! And mulches! And collects clippings in a little bag! And can also spit the clippings out the side! THANKS KEITH!

($10 off the purchase by showing my Lowes coupon! YAY!)

The story ends with me mowing my football-field sized backyard yesterday – my first experience with mowing. And I got halfway through it before I was rained out. I loved it! I loved mowing! I want to be The Official Mower Of The Matt Hofmann Family. Talk about instant gratification!

Except there was this one moment where a little snake slithered in front of the mower to safety. And I jumped when I saw it. And last night I had terrible nightmares where I kept hitting snakes with the lawnmower and their bodies would get all chopped up in the blade. And bloody bits of snake body would fly up from the mower and splatter all over my face.

So now, I want nothing to do with mowing or lawn mowers. Ever again. I don’t care who I’m letting down.

Our weekend was spent finishing the drywall in the kitchen and emptying out our storage unit while we were dragging, and while it was raining. We couldn’t put a finger on why we felt so sluggish, but I’m starting to think it was the five days of straight rain that we’ve had down here. Not cool, clean, refreshing, Fall rain, but muggy, wet, Indian Summer rain. Pretty much makes you just want to curl up in a ball in the air conditioning and drink lemonade.

Regardless, we got a lot accomplished and have pretty much stayed on schedule. We wanted to have the bathroom tiles refinished, and the kitchen walls and electrical completely finished and ready to go by the end of September. Then the month of October would be for installing cabinets, countertops, and backsplash leaving the first half of November for the installation of appliances and the Hard Wood Floors Man coming to redo the floors in the kitchen. If we can keep on that schedule, we’ll be good to go.

The end of this week will mark our one month anniversary of ownership of the house, and I’d like to take a brief moment to point out the skills I have acquired in the past month. Prepare yourself to be IMPRESSED!

1. I can now remove any wall or ceiling surface down to the studs. Even with 74-year-old sheep’s wool insulation falling in my eyes.
2. I can uninstall a dishwasher, built-in microwave, and range.
3. I can remove and reattach the doors of a side-by-side refrigerator.
4. I can make $130 by selling old crap from the house off Craigslist!
5. I can rip up linoleum floor and subfloor, although my 50-year-old back is then sent into extremely painful back spasms, so I will never do that again.
6. I can haul plaster and lathe to the dumpster, man. And pick up a $12 lawn mower for my husband whilst there.
7. I could have changed out the spark plug on the aforementioned lawn mower if I had been strong enough to unscrew the previous plug which was rusted on. I knew WHAT to do.
8. I can nail blue electrical boxes to studs – very crookedly… BUT AT THE RIGHT HEIGHT!
9. I can run wire and hook up an outlet.
10. I can wield a reciprocating saw (and change its blade!), rock the tool that I refer to as the “Variable drill”, and I’m pretty sure I could use the RotoZip to cut around electrical boxes if I had to, since I’ve seen it done so frequently. But it was part of Matt’s anniversary gift, along with his new tool belt and boots, so I won’t get grabby with the little machine!
11. I can restore a 74 year old rope and pulley window to it’s original glory.
12. I can measure, cut, and install drywall. Matt even let me do my very own little piece from start to finish.
13. I can put up FibaTape (which belongs in a rap, take note my hip-hop readers).
14. I can put a toilet back together, courtesy of my father-in-law’s Handyman Helpline.
15. I can put a pedestal sink back together, also courtesy of my father-in-law’s Handyman Helpline.
16. I can blow through money at Home Depot like you’ve never seen!
17. I can paint. Oh boy, I can paint.

And later this week I will learn how to spackle and sand from the man who INVENTED spackling and sanding. I have also become quite skilled in coming home smelling like dinosaur poo and throwing a frozen pizza in the oven. I am VERY, VERY good at that. Three cheers for transferrable skills!

I’ve just finished reading Sam Walton: Made In America, which I purchased at Goodwill for $1. Let me tell you – BEST BUCK I’VE EVER SPENT. I literally couldn’t put it down. Perhaps that makes me pathetic, or perhaps that makes me my father’s daughter.

Say what you will about the fall of Wal-Mart, it’s trade practices or ethics, while Walton was at the helm, great things were accomplished, and he was one of the greatest entrepreneurs of the 20th century. The book gave me incredible insight into his personality and management style, much of which I believe is due great respect.

A compilation of a few quotes from the book that struck me. It may be lengthy, but well worth your time.

On incentivizing employees and creating repeat customers:

The more you share profits with your associates – whether it’s in salaries or incentives or bonuses or stock discounts – the more profit will accrue to the company. Why? Because the way management treats the associates is exactly how the associates will then treat the customers. And if the associates treat the customers well, the customers will return again and again, and that is where the real profit in this business lies, not in trying to drag strangers into your stores for one time purchases based on splashy sales or expensive advertising.

On the adverse effects of unions, and the benefits of strong communication and adept management:

But historically, as unions have developed in this country, they have mostly just been divisive. They have put management on one side of the fence, employees on the other, and themselves in the middle as almost a separate business, one that depends on division between the other two camps. And divisiveness, by breaking down direct communication, makes it harder to take care of customers, to be competitive, and to gain market share.

On the other hand, let me say this: anytime we have ever had real trouble or the serious possibility of a union coming into the company, it has been because management has failed, because we have not listened to our associates, or because we have mistreated them. I think anytime the employees at a company say they need a union, it’s because management has done a lousy job of managing and working with their people. Usually, it’s directly traceable to what’s going on at the line supervisor level – something stupid that some supervisor does, or something good he or she doesn’t do.

On businesses resting on their laurels:

If American business is going to prevail, and be competitive, we’re going to have to get accustomed to the idea that business conditions change, and that survivors have to adapt to those changing conditions. Business is a competitive endeavor, and job security lasts only as long as the customer is satisfied. Nobody owes anybody else a living.

Many people in this business are still trying to charge whatever the traffic will bear, and they’re simply on the wrong track. I’ll tell you this: those companies out there who aren’t thinking about the customer and focusing on the customer’s interest are just going to get lost in the shuffle- if they haven’t already. Those who get greedy are going to get left in the dust.

On ethical free markets:

You start with a given: free enterprise is the engine of our society; communism is pretty much down the drain and proven so; and there doesn’t appear to be anything else that can compare to a free society based on a market economy. Nothing can touch that system – not unless leadership and management get selfish or lazy. In the future, free enterprise is going to have to be done well – which means it benefits the workers, the stockholders, the communities, and, of course, management, which must adopt a philosophy of servant leadership.

Recently, I don’t think there’s any doubt that a lot of American management has bent over too far toward taking care of itself first, and worrying about everybody else later. The Japanese are right on this point: you can’t create a team spirit when the situation is so one sided, when management gets so much and workers get so little of the pie. Some of these salaries I see out there are completely out of line, and everybody knows it. It’s obvious that most companies would be much better served by basing managers’ pay on the performance of the company or return on investment to the shareholders or some yardstick which clearly takes into account how well they’re doing their job. And the formula has to make sure that profits are divided fairly among workers, management, and stockholders, according to their contributions and risks. At Wal-Mart we’ve always paid our executives less than industry standards, sometimes maybe too much less. But we’ve always rewarded them with stock bonuses and other incentives related directly to the performance of the company. It’s no coincidence that the company has done really well, and so have they.

Now this is just incredible. Note that Walton wrote the book in 1992 – YEARS before the collapse of the American auto industry. His foresight was truly tremendous:

Our auto industry doesn’t play on level ground. But I don’t think we should counter with protectionism because it doesn’t address the real problem: the quality of our product doesn’t compete with that of the Japanese, whether we want to admit it or not. The challenge is a great one for management. What they have to do is build a partnership with their people.

I understand that this industry has all kinds of problems we haven’t seen in ours. I know that US auto workers make $22 an hour versus $16 in Japan, and that Mexican auto workers earn much less. I’m not saying I could solve all these problems, but I’d love to have the fun of trying to take a unionized company today and sell its people on the idea of having to be competitive globally – whether it was in autos, or steel, or electronics. I’d love a chance at that, the pleasure of seeing if they could be motivated into a team that would share in all the company’s success – and still have a union. It would take a powerful lot of persuading to pull this off, but I guarantee that it could be accomplished by somebody obsessed and persistent enough. But if American management is going to say to their workers that we’re all in this together, they’re going to have to stop this foolishness of paying themselves $3 million and $4 million bonuses every year and riding around everywhere in limos and corporate jets like they’re so much better than everybody else.

I’m not saying every company should necessarily be as chintzy as Wal-Mart. Everybody’s not in the discount business, consumed by trying to save every possible dollar for their customers. But I wonder if a lot of these companies wouldn’t do just as well if their executives lived a little more like real folks. A lot of people think it’s crazy of me to fly coach whenever I go on a commercial flight, and maybe I do overdo it a little bit. But I feel like it’s up to me as a leader to set an example. It’s not fair for me to ride one way and ask everybody else to ride another way. The minute you do that, you start building resentment and your whole team idea starts to strain at the seams.

All in all I found Sam Walton to be an inspirational business figure who worked harder than most people, and tried to run an ethical business. I’m glad Sam’s not around to see what his companies are up to these days…