Note: Thanks for all your encouraging words, notes, comments, emails, and wow… traffic yesterday. I’m working on a writeup of what point A to point B looked like for me, to get you up to speed. But ultimately, I hope God speaks through my words to you, to encourage you, to make you feel less alone, to help you know you are LOVED by HIM.
A lot happened in 2012. A lot of things that seemed to want to chew me up and spit me back out. But I don’t think that was the ultimate theme.
No, I’m pretty sure the theme of 2012 was God stripping me of my addiction to people.
I remember in late July walking into the women’s imaging center at eight weeks pregnant because I was pretty sure, as I sat in a conference room earlier that morning, that I was having my third miscarriage. I was early enough along that few people knew; those that did were busy at their various day jobs. My beloved had an important meeting to attend that morning, a meeting with international execs he couldn’t get out of. So I walked into the imaging center holding my two year old’s hand and praying for the best.
I’ve had internal ultrasounds more times than I could count, but this one was the first where my toddler climbed all over my stomach interfering with the image and asking what we were watching on the big TV. We were watching, of course, the vacant heartbeat of her sibling. She wanted a milkshake, and could she have one please? I mean, sure. Why not?
When those closest to me apologize for not being there, for not watching my toddler, or driving me to the appointment, I am struck by the obvious way God placed me there alone. Because I like to look towards others to make me happy. To have fun. To distract me from the hard place.
So many times last year, He left me all alone. And in that space I had no choice but to fall limp on the ground. No choice but to humbly admit I couldn’t do this in my own strength. Yahweh, carry me. I don’t think I can even lift my eyes.
I read through the Psalms, and that sounds about par for the course. Not that there isn’t a time and a place for people to walk alongside. Quite the contrary. Tonight is one where I was carried by the wisdom and love of friends I could confess to – confess that I was placing my identity in the opinions and affections of others. But, ultimately, when the rubber meets the road, my Father wants me to turn to Him first. It’s where I find my strength, my worth, my identity, my peace, and my hope. And he, unlike princes, always shows up. ALWAYS.
If 2012 taught me to be alone with Him in my suffering, I hope this next year shows me what it means to walk with others through theirs. I want to drive another miscarrying mom to the midwife, and hold her hand during the bad news. I want to answer my phone at midnight to the tearful cries of a friend on the other line. I want to pour myself and my love out to others without asking for anything in return. And I want to do it willingly. Without grumbling. Unless, of course, Yahweh wants them to be alone. With Him.
Maranatha. Maranatha. Maranatha.
Praise the LORD!
Praise the LORD, O my soul! I will praise the LORD while I live;
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Do not trust in princes,
In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation. His spirit departs, he returns to the earth;
In that very day his thoughts perish. How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
Whose hope is in the LORD his God, Who made heaven and earth,
The sea and all that is in them;
Who keeps faith forever;
whenever i read what you've written, all i can think is: i love you, i love you, i love you.