This is part uno in my new series on The Ugly Politics of Parenting. Won’t this be a fun theme!?
Yesterday I sat down to type out the first draft of my birth plan, the culmination of lots of weeks worth of reading, researching, and talking to L/D nurses, midwives and doulas. A lot of my research wound up really turning me around positively on a number of issues. For instance, Matt and I think that next time around we’re going to attempt to have a home water birth if it’s not cost prohibitive (and if this first experience doesn’t change our minds); a type of labor and delivery I used to think was super crunchy crazy and quite possibly dangerous.
But just as I did more reading and learned more about how this natural process has always worked and how we have augmented it over the years, I became absolutely disgusted by parents. Yes, you heard me correctly. I had been forewarned, and had often seen with my own eyes that parents are the most judgmental self-destructive species alive. Mothers are made to feel inferior if they are unable to breastfeed. Women who experience drug-free births get off on thinking they’re Superwomen. Midwives are painted as tribal African medicine-men and OBs as heartless 9-5ers whose own nurses are frightened of them. And then there’s attachment parenting, and Ferbering, and stay at home moms versus working moms, and parents that wind up eating other parents alive at Chuck E Cheese playdates.
I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want that to be my identity. I don’t want to feel pressured to live up to a certain identity or label. I just want to do my research, make my decision, and have the freedom to change my mind. And I will change my mind. I haven’t even had the kid yet, and I’ve already changed my mind on a lot of things. And if that alienates me, then so be it. I’ll still have my best friend by my side who last night told me that he continues to be amazed at my maternal intuition about these things – quite possibly the greatest compliment he could ever give me.
So my plan has been written, and it’s a plan that I hope can be followed, but will not be devastated if it cannot. It’s based partially on my desire to allow my body the space to do what it was created to naturally do and feel the natural rush that goes along with that, and partially because I am more afraid of needles and surgery being inflicted upon me by people with multiple medical degrees and years of experience than I am of agonizing internal pain being inflicted upon me by wee little Penelope.
And I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I can be the tie that finally binds the two childbirthing philosophies together. Because the woman who will be saying “no” to interventions during labor as a way to experience the natural process will also say “HELL YEAH!” to general anesthesia in the event that she needs major abdominal surgery.
Call it hypocrisy, I choose to call it “reaching across the aisle.”
And with that I leave you this lovely video. Yes, I’m afraid our child will grow up with the entire Monty Python catalog if Matt has anything to do with it.
March 5th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
in my opinion, every person is different and has different needs, and every labor is different. i did one without an epidural, but i will never say ‘down on epidurals’ because i want to reserve the right to have one if i feel i need one next time. (not to mention that the more opinionated you are on a given topic, the more you alienate friends who have chosen to do things differently.) the people i know who were more opinionated on what they wanted before they had ever done it have also been sorely disappointed in themselves when they caved for an epidural or felt bitter that they endured unnecessary suffering when the epidural they had always wanted couldn’t be delivered to them on time. and i just don’t think that’s necessary — that we beat ourselves up over our labor experiences because they didn’t match some illusive ideal we had. i think that doing your research, going into the experience with an open mind, and always prioritizing the health of your baby will help you make the decisions that are the right decisions for you in the moment. whatever that moment brings.
March 5th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
ps. when it comes to the ugly politics of parenting, childless friends are much more critical of your parenting than friends with kids. you’ll probably find more support from other moms who have no idea what the heck they are doing than you will from people who think they’ve got it figured out but never tried their hand at it. (i can say this because i was definitely one of those people who thought i would do things ‘so much better’ when i became a parent.) now i’ve written my OWN blog… sorry i’m babbling on.
March 5th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
what a fabulous childbirth video! why did they not show this in my childbirth classes??
March 5th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
the mommy wars and jr high cliques have one thing in common: insecurity. big ma gives you the same advice she’d give you after you got a swirlie in the girls bathroom in 7th grade. listen to your intuition, be yourself, don’t worry about what everybody else thinks of you/is doing. you’ll be just fine. underneath their smugness, those meanies are just insecure. only insecure people attack others.
March 5th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
ugh! i just lost my comment on my own blog. lame-o.
yes, really good points made. i’m also really think it’s good to surround yourself with people of differing viewpoints who can act them out respectfully because there’s just as much insecurity at play when birds of a feather flock together. i think the key is what you said, big ma… to just go with your instinct and ignore everyone else’s criticism. which will probably alienate people in and of itself, but you’re never going to make everyone happy, ya know?
March 5th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Gina is right about the open mind. I went in to my first birth “knowing” how I wanted it and how it would go. Had I kept an open mind I would not have felt the tremendous guilt and disappoint about my birth experience. Do your research and have a plan but allow for flexibility. Have you looked in to Hypnobirthing? My doula has taken a few classes and I am reading up on it now. I think it will be tremendously helpful in letting go the fear and concern that surrounds the experience of birthing.
In my experience surrounding yourself with differing viewpoints on birth and child rearing can be tremendously helpful. I have learned a lot from other mamas and that it is ok to change your mind about things regarding your children.
March 5th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
You seem so very much more informed than I was with my first. Knowing what you’d like but also accepting the unpredictability of l & d is a great approach. I wished for a long time that things had been different with Sam. Things were much better with Kate and I had the most fantastic little button to push to increase the dose of the epidural.
Oh and for being super-dogmatic about things, you’re so right, once a really hardcore stance is made, it seems something always happends to force a change. That’s why I don’t say my kids will NEVER go to Bob Jones, just so I don’t have to eat my words one day. I hope they don’t, but you never know. right?