If I had been the type of woman who would have, ya know, read through “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” in its entirety the week I had found out I was pregnant just to know every possible scenario ahead of time, I might have been a little less shocked when I started having all-consuming thoughts and daydreams about pregnancy, labor, delivery, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, OMG SCHOOLS! and how I could convince Penny to not date that guy with chemical dependencies at age sixteen. Cause that started around week twenty, and now at week twenty-two, being in the throes of all that over-thinking and anxiety, I am reading how very “normal” and “hormonal” it is for this time.
All of the reading and thinking has led me to one definite conclusion: I am most certainly going to screw this kid up. But I take comfort in knowing that I had the world’s greatest parents and the world’s greatest childhood and still found myself needing about a years worth of therapy in my early twenties. And a swift kick in the pants. I could probably use another one of those.
So Penny, I apologize that I’m going to make lots and lots of mistakes, and that lots of those mistakes will be made on you, being the oldest child. This will not be the only time I apologize to you, it will be the first of many. And while we’re breaking the bad news, let me assure you that your father is not nearly as superhuman as you will wind up believing he is. He is also not Sting, but it still drives me wild watching him play bass on stage.
In the midst of all of this ANXIETY! I determined it would be a very good time for me to start practicing all of those quacky breathing exercises and relaxation techniques that the midwives are telling me about. You know the routine, be in a calm environment listening to Bob Marley while visualizing your natural labor with ocean waves crashing over you, and basically everything needed for a very mellow vegan evening except for the weed. Might relax you so much the baby would come prematurely, that’s all.
So last night I drew myself a nice hot bubble bath, lit some candles and headed into the bathroom for some one-on-one time with my little girl. I had read how great it is to just think about her and talk to her, to ask her to cooperate with me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy and into labor, and that she would respond. Ha! If it’s not apparent to everyone who has ever tried to draw my blood, I am the Queen Of Not Being Able To Visualize My Way Out Of Panic Attacks, so I had very very low expectations. Except that maybe my back would stop hurting a little bit.
I asked Matt to put on my “Moondance” vinyl, and I kid you not, as soon as the first strains of “And It Stoned Me” wafted to my ears, I was instantly at ease. My mind wandered to the two Van Morrison shows that Matt has taken me to in Boston and feeling him look over and grin when he saw the enormous smile plastered across my face. As the band broke into each and every next song I would lean over and whisper to Matt, “No, THIS is my favorite song!” And he would whisper back, “I wanna be his organ player!”
And there I was, enormous and immersed in our (newly caulked!) tub with the same huge Van Morrison grin on my face. I started humming along and thinking about labor and delivery, and dude, bring it on! As long as I have Vanny I can make it without an epidural! All of a sudden, Penelope started dancing along. Because of my placenta previa I haven’t been able to feel her much other than slight blurps, and now out of nowhere she was banging her little arms and legs all around.
“Moondance” came on, and I imagined Matt dancing with his daughter in a classy piano bar while the band covers Vanny, just like my dad did with me once. I called him over, and after a brief wait she belted my stomach as stinkin hard as she could allowing Matt to feel his daughter move for the first time. I think she’s gonna have sweet moves out on the dance floor, just like her daddy.
I flopped in the water until the album had been flipped over and slowed to a stop. Last night was a rush. Like you know the moment that guy that you’ve only ever ogled from afar for a solid three years finally takes your face into his hands and kisses you for the very first time? That was last night. I know I talk so frequently about how pregnancy sucks, and the majority of the time it does. But last night rocked my soul.
Penny Cate, I’m gonna make mistake after mistake. But I promise to never go a day without loving you. And I won’t go a day without forcing you to listen to some Van Morrison. You’ll thank me one day.
You can take all the tea in China
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail it right around the seven oceans
Drop it smack dab in the middle of the deep blue sea
Because she’s as sweet as tupelo honey
She’s an angel of the first degree
She’s as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee
She’s my baby, you know she’s alright…
February 16th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
cute post! can’t remember now where i stumbled upon your blog, but i just wanted to say “hello” and congrats on your soon-to-be babe! ;D super cute blog. i’ll be reading!
cheers!
~emily bilbrey
February 16th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
thanks for stopping by and introducing yourself, emily!
February 16th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
i am so excited i only have 6 more weeks till i get to experience the movements of my little salt shaker. have you been sick through your whole pregnancy?
February 16th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
i was very sick through week 16 and then it started tapering off pretty quickly. i had a few other episodes of randomly throwing up, but it’s been a good month and a half since then. the energy definitely came back, which was nice, and i no longer needed to take naps.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
Priscilla, I love you! I was so proud that Lily, in utero, got to hear Paul McCartney (with you!), U2, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, U2, and Over the Rhine. But I can tell she’s gonna have nothing on Penny Cate. Your daughter will be a musical supergenius. (But I will laugh when you blog one day about her love for early Britney Spears which she is professing to probably just piss you off.)
Anabelle’s first kick was in Batman: The Dark Knight (3D)
February 17th, 2010 at 8:44 am
Corban’s first felt kick was when I was reading. He never went that nuts over music, but the kid always went nuts when NPR was on in the car.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:49 am
I should not have read this at work! Do you think my boss will notice the mascara running down my face? When you are exhausted and miserable it is sometimes easy to forget why you are doing this. Thank you for the sweet reminder. I think the first time I felt Oliver I was reading your blog to Sam. What could that mean for a Hinckley/Hofmann connection?
February 17th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
jess, i’m not gonna lie. i’ve already told penny i’d like to be related to you. i mean, she has two boys to choose from! that’s not forced marriage!
February 17th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
angie, i can’t believe annabelle’s first kick was during dark knight! what a scary movie!
February 17th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Haha! We would make great mother in laws! Oliver and Penny…it’s got a ring to it!
February 17th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
… i’m sobbing like a little school girl … and i’m grateful. grateful that you had such a special childhood, grateful that you are going to be a mommy for the first time, grateful that you have a wonderous relationship with your husband and grateful that you share. sad that i never shared memories like that with my dad, or with my penny’s father in a bath tub with van morrison. happy that you are going to be an amazing involved mother. and crying b/c that’s what you do when you feel all those emotions at once. congrats – keep shining, keep loving, keep remembering and keep making new memories. she’ll certainly be as sweet as tupelo honey.
February 18th, 2010 at 12:11 am
i love you guys. you’re good for my soul.