You might have heard me loping around these parts bragging about the $12 lawn mower that I picked up for Matt at the dump. Well here’s the whole truth.

There’s a man who picks through stuff at the dump, and if he thinks it’s in working condition, he pulls it out and tries to sell it to people who are dropping junk off. Our conversation went a little bit like this.

“Sir, I need a lawnmower. What do you have for me?”

“I’ve got a few good ones. This one is the best. All it needs is a new spark plug and some gas, and it should be good.”

He then proceeded to start it. The engine refused to turn over.

“Ok, well how much do you want for it?”

“Twenty five dollars.”

“Well, I only have $12 on me. Anything for sale for $12?”

He then sauntered around a bit debating what he’d give up for such a low price. I could see the argument inside his mind. Finally, he walked back to the “best” lawnmower.

“Want me to put this in your car?”

“That would be great, sir. I appreciate it.”

So I drove away from the dump feeling MIGHTY good about my find. After all, my father-in-law is notorious for trash picking lawnmowers and getting them back into working condition with a little bit of brains and elbow grease. I was going to be the next Pops!

I headed to Home Depot where Keith helped me find the right spark plug for the model. Then I hopped in the car to fill my emergency gas tank. Called my dad on the drive to find out what kind of gas to get, and I could hear pride in his voice. “My little girl’s gonna get a lawn mower working and mow the lawn!”

It was too late now. I could not let my two dad’s down!

So I headed home with my mower, gas and spark plug and set off to do the miraculous. My first issue was a rusted old spark plug that I wasn’t strong enough to remove. Then I couldn’t figure out how to pour the gas out of my emergency gas tank. Very frustrated, I left the project for Matt.

Now, I need to stop for a moment and explain to you why it was such an urgent need for me to fix up this lawn mower… and not just to gain some parental approval. Our lawn had not been mowed since about a week before we closed on the house. We’re goin’ on a month here, with the last week being a complete rain fest. The grass in our football-field sized backyard was LITERALLY a foot tall in most places.

I’m a new homeowner and all, and granted we are in the process of renovating the kitchen. IE: there are bigger fish to fry, which was Matt’s argument all along. But I couldn’t do this to my neighbors! My dear sweet neighbors who have a male dog that is in love with Berlin. And the other neighbors who let us borrow their minivan to haul drywall home from the store. I can’t walk around having a foot of grass in my backyard with these sweet neighbors!!!!

This is turning into a novella. Let me wrap things up.

For days, I was pushing Matt to please figure out how to fix the lawnmower! So one day, during a break from drywalling, he squatted down by the lawnmower and replaced the spark plug. Then poured the gas into the tank effortlessly. And then he tried to start her up. Wouldn’t budge.

“Honey, Keith at Home Depot said that maybe we need a new air filter. Should I go get an air filter?”

“Babe, I really think this mower is going to take a little bit more work. And I really think we should finish the drywall.”

“Ok, but it wouldn’t take me long to get the air filter. We could at least try it.”

“Babe, let’s stay on task.”

Cut to yesterday when I went over to the house to put a second coat of paint on the master bedroom. When I opened the front door I was overwhelmed by the smell of gasoline. This couldn’t just be paint fumes, I thought. There’s gas leaking somewhere! I ran into the basement where we were storing the behemoth, and sure enough… two HUGE pools of gas underneath the mower. Right about now is where I flipped out. Because there was GAS! IN THE BASEMENT! And I could touch off an enormouse house fire if I so much as MOVED incorrectly! Should I turn off all the breakers? But could they potentially spark if I did that? And the spark could set off a house fire!? OMG! OMG!

And I proceeded to run around the football-field sized yard with foot long grass waving my arms in the air and screaming like a lunatic. Or I just sat on the basement steps for a moment to collect my thoughts. One or the other – you choose!

I opened the double doors in the basement, pushed out the mower to drip its gas in the backyard and add to the pleasantness out there. And I tried my darndest to air out the basement. Gas will evaporate eventually, right? And then it’s not dangerous? I’d make an awful terrorist.

Matt came by the house a few hours later in between his appointments, and I vehemently insisted he take that trash heap of a mower back to the dump, and get it out of our lives forever! He took a look underneath it, and sure enough… there was a massive hole. Like HALF OF THE ENGINE missing. Maybe for the full $25, I could have gotten the whole engine?

Back to the dump we went, where Matt explained the situation to the guy who sold it to me, and gave his steely judicious eye. Matt can be so MORAL sometimes, and can very calmly explain what you did wrong, and make you feel like Satan Incarnate. Usually he’s only doing it to me, but in this case I was glad he pulled out all the stops for the lawnmower salesman. Even though the whole time I was writhing in my seat and couldn’t look at them.

Then it was off to Home Depot to visit KEITH! Who hooked us up with a new self-propelled Toro that cuts! And mulches! And collects clippings in a little bag! And can also spit the clippings out the side! THANKS KEITH!

($10 off the purchase by showing my Lowes coupon! YAY!)

The story ends with me mowing my football-field sized backyard yesterday – my first experience with mowing. And I got halfway through it before I was rained out. I loved it! I loved mowing! I want to be The Official Mower Of The Matt Hofmann Family. Talk about instant gratification!

Except there was this one moment where a little snake slithered in front of the mower to safety. And I jumped when I saw it. And last night I had terrible nightmares where I kept hitting snakes with the lawnmower and their bodies would get all chopped up in the blade. And bloody bits of snake body would fly up from the mower and splatter all over my face.

So now, I want nothing to do with mowing or lawn mowers. Ever again. I don’t care who I’m letting down.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 12:08 pm and is filed under Family, Home Ownership, Learnyland, Marriage, Stress, The Idiotic Things I Do. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.