It’s been two weeks today, and it took all two weeks for me to come around to admitting that I was struggling with depression. I have had two bouts of depression in my life, one in 2002 and one in 2004, so I sort of know what it’s like. My depression may or may not be clinical or treatable, I’m not sure since I am too scared of doctors to go find out. But I do know the way I deal with tough situations in life, and I’m playing this out as I have in the past with just a titch more denial.

This is the first time I’ve ever dealt with insomnia although when I finally fall asleep I have a really hard time waking up because I’m that exhausted. It’s also the first time I’ve dealt with noticeable anxiety. I live a pretty anxiety-free life and have prided myself in my ability to let most things roll off my back as long as they’re not medical. But these days I am a ball of nerves that has caused Matt to admit to me that he’s been walking on eggshells the past two weeks. I can imagine that being around someone who randomly swings from singing Christmas songs to abject weeping could be a little taxing to be around.

I’m not really lashing out, but I’m breaking down in the weirdest of ways and strangest of places. At the end of the sermon on Sunday in a church I’ve only been to twice, filled with hipsters that I’m scared of, I went screaming down the aisle, my eyes pouring buckets of tears, to a guy at the back of the church who ran and grabbed his wife. She’s an incredible woman who has had multiple miscarriages and has emailed me twice(!) since then. She hugged me and held me and cried with me and explained that they have stopped trying and they’ll never have kids.

And then I realized that could be me. I mean, I’m a glass-is-half-full kinda gal – the kind who can easily make lemonade out of lemons, and here I was pulling my head out of the sand for the first time to realize that I could never have kids. Statistically speaking, I probably will. But I might not. And the worst part – IT’S OUT OF MY CONTROL.

I am not a major control freak, but I really get off on coming up with dreams and aspirations and then making them happen. I got Matt, didn’t I? We moved to Tennessee because it was cheap and comfy and a good place to buy a house and start a family. And even though the schools aren’t great, EVERYBODY IS A REPUBLICAN! So our kids won’t be made fun of! In my mind it was so perfectly orchestrated, and now I am seeing that it is completely out of my control. That we will find the right house when God’s timing is right. And we will have kids when God’s timing is right. And we might never have kids, but God’s silver lining will be a hundred goldendoodle puppies for me. Because that’s what He and I agreed on.

Last night I had the world’s most amazing massage given as a gift to me by my sisters. This adorable little pixie woman drove her knuckles so deep into my back that all the scary monsters who have made it their home since I fell while skiing in 2002 came squealing out into the room and ran all the way back to Massachusetts. Where they can have state-sponsored health care. It left me throbbing in pain that she said would go away in a few days. And when it did, she promised, I’d feel better than ever.

Well, I realized after that massage that I’m not living my best life. That I can’t control my future, but I can control making my bed every day and how nice that feels. And why save my sexy underwear? Why not wear that today! Under my jeans! And why not write down a list every morning of the things I have to do so that I won’t go to bed again tonight regretting that I forgot to switch my license plates over to my new home state? I can control those things.

You guys have been so nice to me over the past few weeks, and I’d be telling you an awful lie if I acted like things were fine and dandy. They’re not. I’m not going to use this as an excuse, I’m going to take the steps I can take to make it better. I’m joining a support group. I’m reaching out to other people for their help. I’m showering. Daily. Every time my mind starts to wander to the long road of coital results, I am sitting down and praying. I feel very loved by everyone else, I feel very loved by God. Now I just want to stop hating myself so much.

Tomorrow I fly home to NH, with Matt following shortly behind, for a long weekend in the White Mountains with my family. We’ll be staying in little cabins and eating lots of pb&j while I consistently win at Settlers of Catan. OH YES I DID! BRING IT!

The weather forecast doesn’t look too promising with lots of rain and thunderstorms. Hiking and outdoor activities will be out of the picture which doesn’t phase me much. I’m looking forward to putting on sweats and a hoodie; a welcome relief after this hot Tennessee summer.

I need this change of scenery so much. I need to be around my family. I can’t wait to see my dad, my mom, my sisters and my brothers. I’m going to try really hard not to break down when I see their beautiful kids.

So thanks for everything. I hope someday I can help other people the way you have helped me, Internet. You’ll hear from me next week when I get back.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 21st, 2009 at 4:09 pm and is filed under Babies!, Family, Marriage, Stress, friends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.