I promise, I’m not trying to be all TMI on you guys. And I’m not trying to beat a dead horse either. But I have received an overwhelming number of communiques regarding the miscarriage, and the traffic to Verbal Intent has been tremendous regarding what we went through, that I really feel a desire to share what I learned from this whole experience. This post will really have the potential to be controversial, and I in no way am trying to be offensive to ANYONE. Please know that this is what I have learned, and opinions that work for ME. Also, please pretty please, feel free to comment. I want to know your opinions. But bashing of any kind won’t be tolerated.

1. It’s OK to talk about your miscarriage. In fact, to women who are going through it or have gone through it, I even ENCOURAGE you to talk about it. Matt and I have bounced back remarkably, and I can only contribute that to our amazing support network of family and friends who have encouraged us.

I remember my sister saying, after giving birth to her first child, how important she felt it was to talk to someone about her labor and delivery. To just describe the situation and the feelings and the way she dealt with it. I remember when she walked me through the event and it gave such weight to the very important and beautiful experience she had just underwent.

I think it works that way with miscarriage. I have not yet been able to even talk to Matt about every detail of the experience, but when I am able to, I believe I’ll feel a sense of release and closure that I cannot feel otherwise.

2. Your experience with miscarriage is going to be completely unique. I have gotten so many remarks about how it could have been much worse, and it could have been. But that doesn’t take away from the loss that we felt. Everyone will process it differently, and that’s OK. Just make sure that you process it.

3. My position on fertility treatments has been altered. Before this experience I never quite understood why people went to great lengths to get pregnant. I was always a big proponent for adoption because I think it would work well in my own life, and couldn’t quite understand why women felt a strong need to experience pregnancy. After experiencing eight weeks of pregnancy myself, I now understand what that desire is like. There is nothing quite like carrying another human in your body. Weird, and wacky, and wonderful. I guess I just really wish fertility for anyone who really wants it.

4. My position on abortion has been altered. This is the one that will get controversial, and I’ll just briefly touch on it. I have known many women who have gotten abortions, and their stories are all very unique. The people that I have bumped into mostly felt that the timing was off – in life, or in a relationship, or in a career – to have a baby.

Now my thoughts on this are not based on me being a woman who would like to have a baby, and you being a woman who does not want to have a baby. Woman who has had an abortion, I DO NOT JUDGE YOU. Because I’ve been the woman who NEVER wants to have a baby. I also acknowledge that although there were many times in my life where it would have been, quite honestly dreadful, to have a baby, I always had a wonderful support network who would have assisted me with the major life changes and inconveniences of an unwanted pregnancy.

Which brings me to my point. 50 years ago it was common thought that miscarriages occurred because women DID something wrong. In fact, some folks of older generations have carefully prodded me to find out what I might have done to make this happen. That’s fine, I understand that’s the way it was 50 years ago. But today, it is widely accepted in the medical community that a miscarriage occurs when there would have been major complications with the baby making it unable to exist outside of the womb anyways. IE: miscarriage happens when the pregnancy would not have worked. They even refer to what I experienced as a “spontaneous abortion.”

So Nature (or insert whatever you want here, I of course, choose “God”) decided this pregnancy was not to be. Nature took care of the physical ramifications of this decision in my body.

Maybe you would argue that I should be allowed a choice… an opportunity to override Nature’s decision. That’s fine. All I’m sayin’ is New Orleans.

5. Consider using midwives. I know, I know! This sounds SO crunchy granola. I was just about to type that this is not about me being skeptical of the medical community, but I realized that’s a lie. I most certainly am pretty skeptical of the medical community. But mostly because questioning it can encourage new innovations and improvements to our care. Plus I hate needles.

My choice of using midwives for this pregnancy was sort of a default. But it has been cemented through this experience.  As with most things in life, I think it’s important to achieve balance, so I would choose to give birth in a top-notch hospital where top-notch equipment and top-notch specialists are right at my beck and call. HOWEVER, this whole experience – the experience of carrying a baby, of losing a baby naturally, and of giving birth to a baby are things that we as women are BUILT to handle. Certainly, there are complications that can occur, but pregnancy is NOT an illness that needs to be treated. That thinking is contrary to the mindset of midwives.

They were beyond professional, yet extremely caring when I went through my miscarriage. They let me sit for as long as I wanted crying in their offices while they listened. They reached out to Matt, a father who had experienced loss as well. My first visit with them was a visit where they confirmed I had lost a baby, and when I walked out I felt I had known them forever. I have NEVER had that kind of experience with a doctor.

Well, this has certainly been a lengthy diatribe! Let’s open up the floodgates and hear YOUR thoughts and opinions. BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 15th, 2009 at 4:45 pm and is filed under Babies!, Opinionatrix. You can subscribe to any responses to this entry through the RSS feed. Don't be shy! Go ahead and leave a response, or trackback from your own site.