I can’t believe I’m having to write this post. I had so many beautiful drafts written to introduce you to Baby Bunny. Matt and I were so absurdly excited to be parents. We had talked about it for months, had planned it for forever, and after the first try, we had ourselves a baby!
I had known I was pregnant for a few weeks, and they had been the most remarkable weeks of my life. I loved being pregnant and talking and singing to my churning belly. I loved spending hours perusing wallpaper online for a nursery. I loved explaining to Matt every detail of what I wanted in my labor and delivery.
I think I was glowing.
Then a few days ago things started to go wrong. Very wrong. Last night I lay in bed worrying about what today would bring, and had a nightmare that big thugs were trying to take Bunny away from me and tell me it was theirs. When I woke up this morning and took my millionth trip to the bathroom, it was confirmed that I had had a miscarriage. That Bunny was indeed taken from me.
I don’t know why people don’t speak openly about miscarriage. I know I got a lot of strange looks when I told people I was pregnant – and only five weeks along! But this feeling that I have is something I could have never hidden. All the world can see miscarriage written on my face. I lost the one thing that I loved as much as Matt. It’s now gone, and I am devastated.
I know people will tell me “there will be other babies!” like “there will be other houses!” But right now that sounds like Greek to me. I don’t want other babies. I want that baby. I want Bunny.
Miraculously, I have not once shaken my fist at God. Because I can imagine him holding my baby in his arms. And I know he had a greater purpose.
But I feel so much an adult right now. More an adult than I have ever felt before. I now enter the ranks of women who know what it’s like to lose your precious child. Only I was spared the pain of losing them after spending sweet years with them.
I apologize to all of you so very close to me, that you are hearing this in one big public announcement on the internets. Please understand that I really only want to say this once out loud. That just saying it breaks my heart all over again.
I will probably be absent from the internet over the next few days. I need to sleep. And my mom is flying down from NH to be with me. God bless my mom. She always knows when to get on a plane.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
July 7th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You just made me cry. My heart is breaking for your loss of that precious, albeit temporary, gift, and I’m praying for you in this sad time.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
i am so, so sorry priscilla. thank you for sharing this with all of us – you are a real and amazing woman. i would bring you ice cream and smoother you with hugs if i could (even though i know nothing will make it better right now). hang in there.
July 7th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
i’m so sorry. i lost a baby at 9 weeks before i had fisher and it was devastating. i think it’s especially hard when it’s your first, long-awaited pregnancy. such a heartache. *hugs*
July 7th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
P, we love you and Matt so much and we’re so sad, too. We loved little Bunny already. Sam has been weeping all day and that’s exactly how all of us feel.
July 7th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I’m so sorry hun…even in the small amount of time I spent with you I knew how much you wanted this. I don’t really have any other words…just know I’m thinking about you.
July 7th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I. Love. You. I want nothing more than to drive down to Tennessee and just hug you right now and cry with you.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Priscilla-I am so sorry for your loss…I can’t imagine the heartache you guys are going through. I will be praying for you.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I also lost my first pregnancy but I can’t say I know how you feel because it feels different for everyone. I have a wonderful husband and lots of support and that got me through it. I can see you have the same. If you ever want to talk about how much it sucks or how wonderful Baby Bunny was I am here to listen and let you cry (and cry with you). You will never get over it but it does get easier. Give Matt and Berlin extra snuggles tonight.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Priscilla–you are so brave to write this. It is beautiful and heartbreaking and healing. We love you and Matt and are in pain with you both. I thank God that your dear mom is coming. Know that you are in our constant prayers. love you so much, Honey.–nahn&pops.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Priscilla and Matt-
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your baby. That baby will always be there…a part of you. Give yourself time…love and hold onto each other. XO
July 7th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
love you, Priscilla, and I am so very sorry. Joey and Bridgie and I were so sad to hear what happened.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
We’re so incredibly sorry to hear this sad news. We will be praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
P&M:
Was so sorry to hear of your loss. I was with Cath & Charlie in NJ and we prayed immediately.
Your words here are beautiful and brave.
Am glad you have the gift of each other and your families.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Priscilla: Words escape me…I am so so very sorry. God bless you and Matt.